Posted 15:24 by Paul
An Announcement from the Desk of Shecky Saeed Al-Sahhaf

All Agitprop, all the Time has not moved to a new and improved home! Do not update your links and bookmarks because of this foolish Zionist-Imperialist-Trotskyite-Zinovievite-Kamenevite plot!

Paul has been slaughtered on the corner of Saddam Blvd. and Saddam Ave., where the infidel was attempting to order some unholy sexual act called a poutine! Allah and the Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon Him, are busy roasting his loins in Hell as we speak!

Our fearless lions of the desert shall continue to slaughter him, and occasionally give him wedgies, until he is heard to cry uncle and stops making fun of Kim Jong Il!

Do not attempt to go visit him, as you will find nothing there!

Posted 10:20 by Paul
Well, there goes the neighbourhood...

French troops arrive in Congo

BUNIA, Congo -- A contingent of French troops has arrived in the northeastern corner of Congo, where recent ethnic violence has left over 500 dead, the United Nations said.

Two planeloads of soldiers flew in to Bunia's airport early Friday to prepare for the arrival of a larger EU-led force intended to stabilize the area after Ugandan troops withdrew May 7.

The French troops force will check "the tactical situation on the ground ... the geography ... the state of the airstrip"

"...and will promptly surrender to any passer-by willing to take them."

Posted 02:11 by Paul
*Assorted Stream of Expletives*

Do you have any idea of just how long it takes to import entries manually from Blogspot to MT?

I'm beginning to wish that I wasn't such a prolific poster... I've been at it for at least four hours, and I still haven't reached the end of February (and I only started blogging in February).

I think it might be a while before I'm back to my regular blogging (I'll try to make it back this weekend, I promise). In the meantime, please enjoy the archives.

Thanks for your patience,

Paul

Posted 19:46 by Paul
Actually...

It might be a few hours until I post again because I'm busy moving to my new MT digs (yeah, goodbye Blogspot, and good riddance). Oh, please take a moment to thank Ith for making it all possible (I fully intend to build some sort of shrine to her for her many acts of kindness).

Anyway, this shouldn't normally be such a chore, except for the fact that Blogger has made exporting one's stuff much more difficult than it should be, so I'm going to have to do it all manually (oy vey).

At any rate, I'll be back in a few hours, and with a new URL too. :)

Posted 18:45 by Paul
By the way...

I haven't disabled commenting, the comment site is just down. *groan*

Posted 18:22 by Paul
OK, terribly sorry...

I'm back now, and, for a day off, it has been an astoundingly busy one.

I finally managed to shower without interruptions, and ran out of the house to have brunch with my ersatz grandmother. After brunch, I had to drive all the way downtown to pick my friend Kristian up at the office to go over to his place, pick up his dog, and take it to the vet so that he can finally be castrated.

That was at 1400, it's now past 1800.

On the plus side, at least I got one thing done. I managed to make an appointment to take my dog to the vet on Tuesday for his yearly shots and medicine.

Tomorrow, if I'm really lucky, I might even find time to get my hair cut (OK, fine, get my head shaved, whatever, six of one, half a dozen of the other).

Anyway, relatively normal blogging should resume shortly.

Posted 10:36 by Paul
Well, my day's off to an excellent start...

I was out with the dog for two hours last night. I wake up this morning, with the intention of getting all sorts of things done (getting a haircut, visiting my erstaz grandmother, etc.) only to find that, without any kind of warning, there is no water in the building. In the meantime, I'm as filthy as a bloody Frenchman, and I can't take the one thing that I've been dreaming of: a shower.

Hell, I would have also liked to have been able to fucking shave when I woke up as well.

Instead, I've had to wait around for an hour to engage in both of those activities.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that work has to be performed and what-not, I'd just like a bloody warning; is it really that much to ask? I'm calling a Fatwa on my piece of shit landlord, I've had it up to here with his shenanigans.

The water is back now, pray for me so that it doesn't run out again while I'm in the shower.

Posted 01:31 by Paul
Anyway, seeing that I'm awake, and will probably remain that way for a while, I might as well engage in some...

Kim Jong Il-Juche-Songun Watch

...also known as the gift that keeps on giving...

Vietnamese diplomats help Korean farmers

Pyongyang, June 3 (KCNA) -- Ambassador Do Thi Hoa and officials of the Vietnamese embassy here visited the Korea-Vietnam Friendship Jamjin Co-op Farm in Kangso district, Nampho city on June 2. The guests helped the farmers in weeding in corn-field.

It really must suck to be a Communist diplomat sent to another "progressive" country.

During break, they conversed with farmers and had a recreation party with them, deepening the feelings of friendship.

And the ambassador thought to herself: "I could have been posted to Berlin or Paris, but nooooo, Nguyen Bok Pho just had to have a bigger slush fund..."

Noting that she was pleased to work with the farmers, the ambassador wished the Korean people great success in their efforts to build a great prosperous powerful nation and reunify the country under the Songun leadership of Kim Jong Il.

"And to think that I got into the Diplomatic Corps for the sake of getting away from Communal Rice Paddy 724 on the outskirts of Hanoi. Here I am, stuck in North Korea, weeding a bloody corn field..."

The guests offered aid materials to the farm.

The DPRK, the only country in the world where you have to work on a farm for a day to have your food donations accepted...

Right...

Pochonbo Revolutionary Battle Site

Pyongyang, June 3 (KCNA) -- An increasing number of people are visiting the Pochonbo Revolutionary Battle Site with the approach of the 66th anniversary of the victory in the Pochonbo battle. A surprise attack on Pochonbo in Ryanggang Province was made on June 4, Juche 26 (1937) under the command of President Kim Il Sung.

Oh, that's incredibly believable, especially as it took place during the years that Kim Sr. was busy spanking his monkey in Siberia. How did that work? Kim Il Sung phoned the Japanese from his comfy place in Khabarovsk, said "Booooo!", and the Japanese surrendered?

The Kim family saga reminds me more and more of L. Ron Hubbard's "biography" every day.

Korean Folklore

Surinal, folk holiday

Can you honestly tell me that you didn't just do a double-take? ;)

Pyongyang, June 3 (KCNA) -- May 5 of the lunar calendar is Surinal, one of the main folk holidays in Korea. The Korean people have grandly celebrated the holiday from old times along with the lunar New Year's Day and Hangawi. The word Surinal was derived from the fact that this day the Korean people used to eat wheel-shaped cakes made of rice flour and wormwood paste and rice cakes of marsh plant leaves.

Christ, what a relief...

Historical records show that after finishing the spring sowing, the people of the ancient states of Korea made sacrifices to the god and enjoyed themselves together, dancing and singing.

They enjoyed the holiday also with folk games and amusements.

Korean wrestling and swinging are typical of them.

Heh, I suspect that the Korean Love-Neighbour Society must have returned for another visit...

Masquerade, lion dance, mask drama, singing and dancing, and stone throwing games were held to suit local features.

Stone throwing games, the Arafat is strong in you...

Women washed their hair in calamus-boiled water and pinned hairpins made from calamus roots in the hair.

Beats shampoo, I suppose...

The national TV Korean wrestling tournament of working people for "grand bull prize" held last year was very popular among TV viewers.

"Grand bull prize", bwahahahahahahahaaha...

As entertaining as the Hitler Youth, just cheaper...

Many foreign children enjoy camping in DPRK

Pyongyang, June 4 (KCNA) -- At least 2,000 foreign children of over 140 organizations from different countries have enjoyed camping at the Songdowon International Children's Camp, a modern center for extracurricular education of schoolchildren in the beauty spot on the east coast of Korea over the last decade. General Secretary Kim Jong Il, while giving field guidance to the camp on March 30, Juche 82 (1993)...

The camp had been misbehaving again...

...took the benevolent measure to receive more children from various countries to strengthen friendship and solidarity with them and provide every convenience to them in travelling by international airlines.

Why do your brainwashing at home when you can subcontract instead?

Schoolchildren from China, Russia, Laos, Mexico, Nigeria and many other countries spent worthwhile camping days at the world famous Songdowon, their programs focussed on maritime activities.

OK, sorry, watery brainwashing...

During their stay there they joined Korean children in activities of sub-branches of the children's union, had meetings with them, "national day" programs, sports and amusement games and other activities to deepen the friendship.

Many of them had the honor of receiving birthday tables [that they made in woodworking class! - Ed.] amid the blessings of the campers.

Uh...huh...

Posted 00:23 by Paul
By the way...

Sorry about the lack of blogging this afternoon and evening, I got home around 1700 hours, and ended up unconscious until 2200... Anyway, seeing that I'm done with work for the week (bloody three-day work week), I'll definitely be posting a bit more heavily until Tuesday.

I'll also try to put off worrying about how the Hell I'm going to make it to the end of the month on 60% of my paycheque for a few days as well. *groan*

Cheers,

Paul

Posted 14:42 by Paul
I get to know my readers...

...or at least their IP addresses.

Congratulations, Jordan, you are my four thousandth visitor!

I shall reward you appropriately when the time comes, although I'm definitely not letting you torture my car again.

Thanks to all of you for continuing to stop by, it's nice to know that I'm not writing in a vacuum.

Cheers,

Paul

Posted 13:18 by Paul
The worst part of this is that nobody had reported it out here...

France retreats on airport plan for the Somme

Well, it's only fitting that they should continue to do what they do best.

The graves of thousands of soldiers from the First World War were saved from destruction yesterday when the French government abandoned plans to build an airport through the Somme battlefield.

Had any of you heard about this?!

President Jacques Chirac's government caused uproar when it was announced that more than 11 cemeteries containing 1,250 British and Commonwealth troops would be bulldozed to make way for a third international airport outside Paris.

That's it, it's now official, I used to just harbour dislike and contempt towards the French, I can now state unequivocally that I hate the fucking French. What sort of low-life would come up with an idea like this!? You go to France to keep the Germans from invading the place completely, you die at the battle of the Somme, and how do the ingrate Frogs repay you?

By thinking of paving over your grave to build an airport, that's how.

More than 22,000 German and 5,500 French troops who lie buried in the area would also have been removed along with their headstones. Much of the pressure was exerted from Northern Ireland, where more than 35,000 men of the 36th Ulster Division and 16th Irish Division, both Roman Catholic and Protestant, fell during the war.

In a rare show of unity last year republicans joined Unionists in opposition to the French plans, calling them a "desecration".

This goes beyond desecration, it's a slap in the face...actually, no, it's worse than that: it's a kick in the 'nads.

Posted 13:00 by Paul
Good for them...

Russian parliament approves red star for army emblem

MOSCOW, June 4 (AFP) - 15:41 GMT - The Russian parliament Wednesday approved a bill reinstating the Soviet-era red star as a symbol of the armed forces featuring on its emblem alongside the tsarist-era double-headed eagle.

The bill, passed on first reading by 271 votes to 105 with two abstentions, was presented to parliament by President Vladimir Putin last November in support of a proposal by Defence Minister Sergei Ivanov.

Ivanov declared then that the star, adopted by the Bolshevik commissariat for military affairs on April 19, 1918 and worn by Red Army troops throughout World War II, was "sacred for soldiers."

The yellow-bordered red star was the ubiquitous symbol of the Red Army until the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991. The Russian defence ministry's daily publication, however, never dropped the name of Krasnaya Zvezda, or Red Star.

The liberal parties opposed the return of the star, claiming it denoted an attachment to a discredited regime.

Sorry, I'm just slightly nostalgic about certain things. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that the Red Star has a bit more symbolic value for them than the Chernobyl Eagle of the Romanovs.

Maybe this will boost the Russian Army's morale a bit.

Posted 12:47 by Paul
Something worth sharing...

Banned missile programme found in Iraq: report

LONDON, June 4 (AFP) - 02:26 GMT - US and British experts have discovered that Iraq was developing a banned missile, capable of reaching Israel and other parts of the Middle East, the Times reported Wednesday, quoting "senior government sources".

The right-of-centre newspaper said it understood British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who has called for patience in the search for Iraq's alleged weapons of mass destruction, has been told that rocket motors for the missiles have been found.

Sources told the paper that in the past few weeks weapons experts discovered that the Abu Ghraib military base near Baghdad was developing a weapon with a range of about 960 kilometres (600 miles).

Must have been in the large building next to the base with the huge Baby Milk Factory sign on it.

Posted 12:37 by Paul
It's funny when it happens to them, part of an ongoing series...

From Doug Camilli's column in yesterday's Montreal Gazette:

Bryant Gumbel has got to be kicking himself over his decision to leave CBS's Early Show because they wouldn't raise his salary of $5 million U.S. per year. Nobody else beat a path to his door, and now he is slinking back onto the airwaves on PBS, which surely means he has shaved a zero off his salary.

He'll be one anchor of the show Flashpoints USA, some kind of news-features project.

Heh, PBS, where the old and useless go to die; Hell, just look at Bill Moyers, granted, he isn't dead yet, but I have a right to hope, don't I?

Posted 12:19 by Paul
In the Canadian Forces, safety is job #1

Ladder saved lives in Sea King crash

The Canadian navy is refitting its four destroyers with steel ladders after it found lives were likely saved by the $16,000 ladder's ability to withstand the razor-sharp rotor shrapnel that flew across the flight deck during a Sea King crash on HMCS Iroquois.

The destroyer was forced to turn around and head for home after Sea King No. 401 fell 10 metres on to its deck during liftoff on Feb. 27. The 40-year-old helicopter rolled on to its side upon impact.

Three people suffered minor injuries in the mishap.

Well, I suppose that it's a step in the right direction; however, one might be tempted to argue that replacing geriatric helicopters might be a slightly more effective way of improving safety on our ships, rather than buying steel ladders and praying that nothing will fall out of the sky...

Posted 11:39 by Paul
Ahhh, finally some good news...

Singer Barry Manilow breaks his nose

Bwahahahahaha! I just hope that La Streisand is next.

LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- Veteran singer-songwriter Barry Manilow, recently waking up disoriented in the middle of the night, walked into a wall and broke his nose, knocking himself unconscious, the entertainer disclosed on Tuesday.

"Where am I? Where are my pills?!" *PAF* Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! I'm sorry, this is just funny to me on so many levels...

Roused from a sound sleep thinking he was still in Malibu, Manilow got up and "veered to the left instead of the right and slammed right into the wall," he said in a statement released by his management company, Stiletto Entertainment.

He passed out for four hours...

Oh God, must...stop...laughing...

Posted 23:05 by Paul
Gratuitous Magyar Link

Why? Because he deserves it.

Thanks, Martin.

Posted 20:15 by Paul
HEH, you have to admire that Kiwi ingenuity...

New Zealand man building cruise missile in garage, posting details on Net

AUCKLAND, June 3 (AFP) - 05:44 GMT - A New Zealand home handyman is building a do-it-yourself cruise missile with legal, off-the-shelf equipment and claims he can do it for under 5,000 US dollars.

But the activities of Bruce Simpson were Tuesday attracting official interest, particularly as he has now test fired several jet engines.

On his website (www.interestingprojects.com/cruisemissile) Simpson says he was challenged by US military experts over his claim the missile could easily be built.

"So, in order to prove my case, I decided to put my money where my mouth is and build a cruise missile in my own garage, on a budget of just 5,000 US dollars," the 49-year-old Internet developer says.

"Obviously the goal of this website is not to provide terrorists or other nefarious types with the plans for a working cruise missile but to prove the point that nations need to be prepared for this type of sophisticated attack from within their own borders."

He said he managed to acquire most of the parts from the online auction house eBay, including a GPS system purchased for 120 US dollars that "was delivered by international airmail in less than a week and passed through customs without any problems."

Here's to hoping that this doesn't end up becoming a Darwin Award.

Posted 19:15 by Paul
Cheese-eating Surrender Monkey Watch

Chirac reopens Iraq wounds

French President Jacques Chirac has made clear he still believes the US-led military action against Iraq was illegitimate, despite backing reconstruction efforts in the wake of a bitter diplomatic spat.

At a news conference at the end of the G8 summit France was hosting, Mr Chirac said that any military action not supported by the United Nations Security Council was illegal.

Newsflash, Jacques: we still couldn't care less about what you think. Please sit down, and shut the f*ck up.

By the way, you might want to do something useful, like spending some time trying to solve that strike that's paralysing your country right now.

Posted 19:10 by Paul
A very brief bit of...

Kim Jong Il-Juche-Songun Watch

Bloody miscreant recreation grounds...

Anecdote about Kim Jong Il

Pyongyang, June 2 (KCNA) -- Kim Jong Il left for Mt. Jongbang early on the morning of May 1, Juche 86 (1997) to give field guidance to the recreation ground in the mountain.

The recreation ground had been misbehaving as of late, so they had to call in the big guns.

Officials entreated him to take a rest for a few hours at least in May Day.

Can you blame them? If I saw some lunatic with a strange hair-do barking orders at a park, I might be tempted to tell him to rest for a while as well.

He, however, told them that May Day was a holiday but it should be a more energetic working day for him than other days.

He then said many people would come to Mt. Jongbang to enjoy the holiday, so he should tour the mountain early in the morning not to give inconvenience to the holiday-makers.

Alternately, he just wanted to avoid the awkward pointing and staring that would have normally ensued.

Posted 18:53 by Paul
Oh God, we still have almost a year left on his Magical Goodbye Tour...

Wise-Cracking Chretien Bids Farewell to G8 Summits

EVIAN (Reuters) - Prime Minister Jean Chretien bade farewell to the Group of Eight summit on Tuesday after delivering a bravura mixture of wisecracks, homespun philosophy and linguistical mangling which have been a hallmark of his decade in power.

Which explains why he's managed to get away with so much over the years, nobody understands a bloody thing he says...

Chretien, 69, is stepping down next February and this year's G8 summit was his 10th, making him by far the longest-serving of his counterparts.

It is a heady achievement for the 18th of 19 children born to a working-class family in the pulp and paper town of Shawinigan in Quebec and who suffered a childhood attack of Bell's Palsy which paralysed one half of his face.

Well, there's the explanation for the face thing, I was under the impression that it was Polio.

When asked why all the summit leaders were now trying to kiss and make up with U.S. President George W. Bush, the Canadian snapped: "You know me -- I don't kiss anybody."

To Aline Chrétien's never-ending delight, no doubt...

During his 40 years in politics Chretien has filled most jobs in government, often bemusing audiences with his unique brands of both English and French as well as a string of gaffes.

On one memorable occasion Chretien prefaced his comments by saying "Well, I'm not a lawyer" only to be reminded that in fact he was a lawyer and had been one all his life.

If this isn't an indication of the overall crappiness of the people that have run against him over the years (thanks a lot, Kim Campbell!), I don't know what is.

Posted 14:34 by Paul
Ahhhh, the sickly sweet smell of embarrassment...

Armed forces scramble to buy supplies

The Canadian Forces is scrambling to acquire equipment for its mission in Afghanistan this summer, including badly needed night-vision goggles, laser rifle sights and unmanned aerial vehicles, the National Post has learned.

We committed to this about three months ago, if I remember correctly. Why are we looking for vital equipment now, at the last possible minute?

The Department of National Defence has accelerated its purchasing system for a number of items that will be needed by the nearly 2,000 troops slated to join the International Security Assistance Force in Kabul.

The soldiers of 3rd Battalion, Royal Canadian Regiment, which will form the backbone of the Canadian contingent, are short of much of the gear they will need for their six-month mission, military sources said.

"Our light battalions have borrowed, scrounged and stolen whatever we could from wherever we could," said one officer, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

What is this, an episode of M*A*S*H*?

The riflemen of 3rd battalion RCR are supposed to be equipped with C-8 carbines, lightweight versions of the Canadian Forces' standard C-7 assault rifle with folding stocks, but there are not enough of the lighter weapons to go around.

*Banging head on desk*

In addition, not all of the unit's infantrymen are outfitted with up-to-date night vision gear, standard issue to most U.S. and allied troops operating in Afghanistan.

This must mean that we're the only army in the world, other than the Iraqi Army, that doesn't have access to decent NVGs in quantities large enough.

Captain Jay Janzen, a Canadian Forces spokesman at CFB Petawawa, where 3rd RCR is based, said the battalion has enough night-vision equipment to get by, if it shares the gear among the various platoons and companies.

I applaud Capt. Janzen for having enough self-control to keep a straight face whilst saying that. It'll be fascinating to see how many eye infections ensue...

"We have night-vision goggles, but does every single man in the battalion group have them? No," Capt. Janzen said.

Yeah, but the only people that shouldn't have them are the cooks, clerks, and non-combat types. If you're expected to tote a rifle around (of course, judging by what the article says, they might have to share those too), you might as well have the ability to see at night, don't you think?

He said some weapons, such as the army's Eryx anti-tank missile, come equipped with infra-red sights, as do the light armoured vehicles that will be attached to the battalion in Afghanistan.

Right, so, whenever they want to see what's going on out there in the middle of the night, all that they have to do is wave an anti-tank missile around, or never exit their LAVs; good plan, that.

The army's night-vision project will eventually purchase more than 5,000 sets of night-vision goggles and laser-aiming devices.

God help us if we ever need to send more than five thousand people into a combat area.

The first 1,200 night-vision systems and laser sights were originally to be delivered by next March, but under the speeded-up schedule they are now to be handed over to the Canadian Forces in early September. The Canadian troops are expected to arrive in Afghanistan by August.

Oh, they'll just be blind for a month, that's much better. Well, maybe two, because who knows how long it'll take them to train the soldiers to operate them properly under combat conditions... Then there will inevitably be the one guy that thinks they're opera glasses...

Mr. Benoit said the rush order by the Canadian Forces underscores what he calls dangerous shortages in the military.

"They can only stretch their limited budget so far. For some small purchases I know they have to use credit cards now, because they just don't have the cash," he said.

God, I feel so sorry for our soldiers.

Posted 14:10 by Paul
So this is Canada, and this is 2003, right?

Workers at burial site warned of spirits

A representative for the Huron people is cautioning workers who inadvertently dug into an ancient Indian burial ground during construction of a hockey arena that they are in danger from the spirits they disturbed.

Oh, for f*ck's sake...

A communal tomb containing the skeletal remains of several hundred Hurons, the native people who roamed southern Ontario 500 years ago, was discovered last week by a backhoe operator beside a tourist attraction of a recreated native village in Midland, Ont.

While archeologists, municipal officials and First Nations representatives examined the site yesterday and discussed how to handle the sensitive find, a spokesman for the people whose ancestors are buried in the ossuary said there is more at stake than land and bones.

Like what? A casino licence?

"The Hurons believed that, in death, they had two spirits -- one to go over to the other side and another to stay with the remains, to sleep with them, to watch over them and protect them," said David Grey Eagle Sanford, a representative of the Huron-Wendat Nation.

Sure, and I may believe that the spirit of Marylin Monroe appears in my bed every other night and gives me a very thorough run for my money, that doesn't necessarily make it true, though, does it?

"With the ossuary being disturbed, the spirits will have arisen now, and people need to know that this is very dangerous. It is not a good thing.

"The spirits have been awakened and are now coming to and thinking somebody is disturbing them after all this time; people can get very sick from this. It is very powerful medicine."

While Mr. Sanford accepts the excavation of the undetected burial ground was inadvertent, he said the spirits need to be assured there was no ill will and that every effort is being made to again give them peace.

Hmmmm, so just how many casino licences, bundles of unmarked cash, cartons of cigarettes, and high-priced escorts is it going to take for the spirits to calm down and feel secure again?

Posted 10:56 by Paul
It's funny when it happens to them, Part II

Feds Seek to Indict Martha Stewart

Probably for violence against that vegetable that she viciously hacked to pieces on whatever morning TV show that was...

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Martha Stewart, the domestic taste-maker who is the target of a lengthy probe into insider-trading allegations, could soon be indicted on criminal charges by a federal grand jury, her company said on Tuesday.

Well, if her own company says it, it's either A) true, or B) she wants to buy back massive amounts of her stock.

Shares of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, a retail, e-commerce, entertainment and publishing conglomerate built around Stewart's persona, plunged 15 percent.

The U.S. Attorney's Office for the Southern District of New York intends to seek a grand jury indictment against Stewart, the company said in a release. It was also informed that a civil complaint by the Securities and Exchange Commission is expected.

Every time I stop and think that got herself into this mess over a couple of hundred-thousand dollars (which is a hefty amount for most of us, but is chump change to her; there's nothing wrong with that, by the way, perspectives change once you reach the top), which she could easily have lost, deducted off her taxes, and lived happily ever after... Anyway, I just think that the combination of greed and stupidity on display is shocking.

Posted 10:21 by Paul
Excellent news to start the day...

(via the Gaggle)

I AM NOT IN BAGHDAD

Comical Ali is alive and living in a Baghdad suburb - and still wearing his trademark uniform and beret, according to reports.

The Mail on Sunday said it had tracked down the former Iraqi information minister, ending speculation he had committed suicide or fled the country.

The newspaper said it found him "cowering in his modest home, terrified his own people will kill him".

Heh, not so popular with the local crowd?

The paper described Ali - full name Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf - as "a broken man, spending his days pacing his study in his uniform and green beret".

Damn, that's sadder than Noriega...

He refused to talk to the paper and friends said he may never go out in public again.

Oh no, don't you dare deprive us of your comical stylings!

"The family are worried he is going out of his mind", it reported one friend as saying.

So we're operating under the theory that he wasn't completely crackers in the first place?

At any rate, I can't wait to see him return to public life. This man could make millions of dollars as a sports commentator, or in pretty much any job on TV; his antics deserve to be seen by as wide an audience as possible.

Hell, Bush could make him the official White House jester, or something...

Posted 22:27 by Paul
A Poetic Moment

Courtesy of Jaboobie, whom you should go visit if you don't already do so regularly.

"The Workout"

A Haiku by Jaboobie:

missed week of workouts,
lifts and squats like I missed none.
can't sit on toilet.

Well, it makes me laugh, OK?

Posted 22:14 by Paul
I'm sure that the Flea will be pissed...

Kylie art pulled from show

An artwork featuring Kylie Minogue's bottom has been pulled from the Royal Academy's summer show after the singer's lawyers complained, BBC News Online has learned.

Ms O'Keeffe said she did not believe her work was harming the singer.

"Why a global star like Kylie Minogue should feel threatened is beyond me," she added.

Consumerism 2 features a cartoonish likeness of the singer, as well as a shot of her bottom and the word"talent".

I am shocked and appalled by this awful example of artistic censorship; it's a disgrace.

Posted 22:03 by Paul
It's funny when it happens to them...

Saddam's daughters 'to seek UK asylum'

Two of Saddam Hussein's three daughters are planning to seek asylum in the UK, it has been claimed.

A cousin of the deposed Iraqi president told a London-based Arab newspaper he was arranging an asylum application for Raghad, 35, and Rana, 33.

Mr al-Majid said the two women were living with their nine children in two rooms of a trusted middle-class family's Baghdad home, having been thrown out of their palaces.

Awwww, how very unfortunate for them...

They "wash clothes by their own hands, cook their own food and clean the house by themselves and live without electricity," he said.

"They live in a severe psychological disorder."

Yes, well, cooking your own food and cleaning house will do that to you; I should know, I try to do both on a daily basis, and I'm severely deranged...

In a telephone interview, he told the paper Raghad and Rana were "very enraged" about what had happened to Iraq.

"I saw the tears in their eyes, especially when we talked about the war and the fall of the regime," he said.

Well, I suppose I'd be pretty cheesed off if I'd been kicked out of one of my many palaces as well.

Mr al-Majid said the two women blamed aides of their father for his fall from power.

"The regime fell because of the aides employed by my father, whose only interest was to stay in power and seek personal gain," he quoted Raghad as saying.

That's right up there with that scene in the Simpsons where Hitler blames his teddy bear for the fall of Berlin...

Posted 21:44 by Paul
This is why these wankers shouldn't be invited to proper gatherings...

African debt relief 'not enough'

A group of African leaders who were guests at the summit of the G8 major powers have criticised their hosts' performance on debt relief for poor countries, most of them in Africa.

After a working dinner in the French alpine resort of Evian, one African leader said the debt relief initiative run by the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and the World Bank had delivered too little too late and had little impact.

Hey, African leaders! Here's an idea for you: why don't you people piss off and get bloody jobs, you lousy freeloaders!?

Sheesh, if you spent less time whining and begging for money, bought fewer Mercedes-Benzes, went on fewer shopping sprees in gay Paris, and convinced your people to devote less energy to hacking their fellow men, women, and children to tiny bits, maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't need to show up at G8 meetings with your hands out.

Bloody malingering vagrants...

Posted 15:22 by Paul
Hmmmm...

(Found over at Nick's place)

Well, I suppose that I can live with this, even in spite of the awful hair:


You are The Twins, from "The Matrix."
Bad, but with a sexy streak- surprisingly
refreshing. You know what you want, when you
want it.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Posted 15:03 by Paul
Quote of the Day

From Canadians are Smug, on his Mennonite childhood:

In Manitoba, conservative Mennonites are somewhat rarer and far less conspicuous presumably because only a complete fool would keep using a horse and buggy (or more often, a sleigh) through Manitoba winters. I don't recall seeing a single horse and buggy as a kid, except for someone at a museum on a nostalgia trip. Instead, the Mennonite Taliban that I grew up around focused their Luddite rulebooks on TV and radio and other tools of the devil to maintain a comfy cycle of ignorance with the parishoners. I guess life in Manitoba is considered punishment enough from God to not ban the combustion engine and electric light.

Heh, go read the whole thing.

Posted 13:59 by Paul
The time is ripe for a bit of...

Kim Jong Il-Juche-Songun Watch

So we're not calling him General Secretary any more?

Supreme Commander Kim Jong Il inspects KPA navy unit

Pyongyang, May 29 (KCNA) -- Supreme Commander Kim Jong Il inspected unit 388 of the navy of the Korean People's Army on Wednesday. Guided by the commander of the unit, Kim Jong Il looked round the monuments to President Kim Il Sung's field guidance and on-the-spot instructions.

I hadn't realised that on-the-spot instruction was a Kim family tradition...

Looking back with deep emotion on the days when the president steered the work to build the navy, he said that the immortal exploits the president performed by training the unit as an invincible combat contingent will shine forever with the history of the unit that has covered a glorious road of victory.

Nothing says victory like getting your ass whupped by the ROK's Navy on a regular basis, I suppose.

He acquainted himself with the unit's performance of its duty, looking round fire positions.

Call me picky, if you must, but, if you're inspecting a navy unit, maybe looking at ships would be more fashionable?

Noting with great satisfaction that the commanding officers and men are not only performing their guard duties in a responsible manner, keeping themselves fully ready to foil the U.S. imperialists' moves for aggression, but have established a revolutionary trait of training to become one-match-for-a hundred fighters...

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just observed the birth of a new Kim-ism, one-match-for-a hundred; it seems to be a prevalent new theme.

...proficient in combat and technical equipment, he set forth important tasks which would serve as guidelines in increasing the unit's combat capability in every way.

Thankfully, he did not forget about the important tasks.

He was shown round an educational room, bedroom, mess, kitchen, washroom, outdoor resting place, a village of officers' houses and other places.

Any sort of naval vessel of some kind was entirely out of the question, wasn't it?

He repeatedly praised the commanding officers and men of the unit for having spruced up their posts through their strenuous efforts with ardent patriotism, thus making everyone feel refreshed when seeing not only their barracks but their fire positions and village.

"Have you been cleaning your rooms with Ardent Patriotism again? Wow, look at that Juche shine!"

Noting that this admirable success [clean living quarters?! - Ed.] represents a new culture in the Songun era created by the People's Army, the most revolutionary, militant and powerful ranks of the revolution in our society, he called on all members of the society to earnestly learn from the idea, spirit, fighting trait, work style, cultural entertainment and the way of life of our revolutionary army.

He had a photograph taken with servicemen of the unit after giving a pair of binoculars and an automatic rifle to them as gifts.

"The servicemen expressed great delight upon receiving their first pair of binoculars..."

The latest in Axis of Weirdos News

Libyan diplomats help Korean farmers

Pyongyang, May 29 (KCNA) -- Secretary Ahmed Amer al Muakkaf and members of the people's bureau of the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya in the DPRK yesterday helped members of the DPRK-Libya Friendship Jangchon Cooperative Farm in the suburbs of Pyongyang in their work. During break they had a recreation party and conversed with farmers, deepening the friendship.

Boy, these people must really have pissed Ghaddafi off to end up on such a terrible trip.

Saying he was pleased to work with the farmers, the secretary of the bureau wished them great success in their agricultural production under the wise leadership of Kim Jong Il.

Heh, if anyone knows about agricultural production, it's the Dear Leader / General Secretary / Supreme Commander / Bouffant Betty.

Members of the people's bureau conveyed aid materials to the farm.

Hmmm, let me guess: food?

Political News

Adherence to principle of Songun called for

Pyongyang, May 29 (KCNA) -- The DPRK is pushing forward the revolution and construction its own way according to its own idea and faith under the uplifted banner of independence despite the imperialists' moves to stifle it because it has firmly abided by the principle of Songun in politics, says Rodong Sinmun today in a signed article.

So you've abided by it firmly during the three months since the word was created? That's quite the commitment...

Nothing is more foolish an idea than to expect any mercy from the imperialists as they have been militarized to the maximum and are desperately working to dominate the world, brandishing even nuclear weapons, overconfident of their strength.

Oh no, I really can't think of anything that could be more foolish.

The army and the people of the DPRK will surely build a great prosperous socialist power which will demonstrate the might of Songun under the leadership of Kim Jong Il, the article concludes.

"Any...minute...now..."

It must have been Groundhog Day...

Kim Jong Il inspects KPA unit

Pyongyang, May 29 (KCNA) -- Supreme Commander Kim Jong Il today inspected unit 1174 of the Korean People's Army on the forefront. After receiving a salute, he, guided by the commander of the unit, looked round the monument to President Kim Il Sung's on-the-spot guidance and historic relics.

Christ, Kim Sr. has monuments all over the place, it would seem. Amongst the historic relics was the President-for-Eternity's first whoopee cushion, which he used to confuse the evil Japanese oppressors during that long guerilla campaign that he fought from the comfort of his home in Siberia...

He said that the immortal leadership exploits the president performed for the growth of the revolutionary armed forces all his life would shine forever.

So he was using the exact same set of talking points as he had earlier on that day?

Feasting his eyes on the defence theatre from a forward command post, he acquainted himself in detail with the terrain and the deployment of forces and heard a report on the situation from the commander of the unit.

Noting with great satisfaction that the servicemen of the unit have turned all the operational fields into an impregnable fortress and prepared themselves as a-match-for-a hundred combatants capable of defeating any formidable enemy at a single stroke, he set forth important tasks that would serve as guidelines in increasing the combat power of the unit and building up the defence theatre as firm as a rock.

Ahhhh, there's our slogan of the day.

At a trench on the height he learned about the soldiers' performance of guard duty and highly appreciated their efforts.

He then went to a lecture room, educational room, bedroom, mess, daily provision store, washroom and other places to take warm care of the living of the soldiers.

I'm amazed that he still hasn't been arrested, don't they have laws against that sort of thing?

He was much pleased to see the commanding officers and soldiers of the unit keeping the compound of the barracks and their surroundings tidy and clean and managing the unit and its economic life tenaciously, learning from the fighting spirit and way of life of the anti-Japanese guerrilla army and highly praised their successes.

So they're sitting somewhere in eastern Russia pretending to fight their enemies as well?

He said the servicemen in the trench on the forefront are true revolutionaries who are devotedly fighting for the party, the leader, the country and the people despite rain or snow and underscored the need to provide them with the best living conditions.

He gave the servicepersons of the unit a pair of binoculars, a machinegun and an automatic rifle as gifts and posed for a photograph with them.

It's Christmas in May over in the DPRK.

Juche International

Kim Jong Il's work brought out in Jamaica

Belafonte must be involved in this somehow...

Pyongyang, May 30 (KCNA) - General Secretary Kim Jong Il's work "The Juche Philosophy is an Original Revolutionary Philosophy" was brought out in booklet by the Digital System Publishing House in Jamaica on May 22.

Well, I suppose that the Rastafarians might be looking for a new God to replace Haile Selassie. (Which leads me to wonder about what Haile Selassie must have thought of those clowns - "I'm being worshipped by a bunch of dreadlocked, pot-smoking freaks that wear tea cozies on their head?! Who did I piss off? -, but that's an entirely different story.)

The work, published on July 26, Juche 85 (1996), comprehensively clarifies the originality and superiority of the Juche philosophy to the preceding philosophy of the working class. Specified in the work is that the Juche philosophy constitutes a revolutionary and political philosophy of the Workers' Party of Korea. The principled matters to be maintained in study and propaganda of the Juche philosophy are given in the work.

I'm sure that, by May 23, all copies of the book had been stolen, and Digital System Publishing House had been thoroughly looted. I mean, it is Jamaica after all, man.

Kim Il Sung - Agricultural Expert

Symposium on Kim Il Sung's work held in Guinea

Again, you'd figure that they'd have enough problems to deal with as it is.

Pyongyang, May 30 (KCNA) -- A symposium on President Kim Il Sung's work "For the Development of Agriculture in African Countries" was held at Kim Il Sung Institute of Agricultural Science in Guinea on May 16.

Why is there a Kim Il Sung Institute of Agricultural Science in Guinea?

The participants in the symposium recalled with deep emotion that the president paid deep attention to developing agriculture in the African countries in his lifetime, guided by the noble idea of south-south cooperation.

South-south cooperation? WTF?

Banou Keita, director of the institute, said that the African countries including Guinea were undergoing the most serious food crisis at that time but no one was going to give a helping hand to them.

Probably because it was during one of those years where no one was overly interested in being beaten over the head with anyone's beggar bowls.

Concerned about this situation more than anybody else, the president called a consultative meeting of agricultural ministers of east and west African countries who were in Pyongyang to participate in the seminar of the non-aligned and other developing countries on food and increased agricultural production and took a measure to found a modern institute of agricultural science in Guinea.

Because nobody knows how to increase food production like the North Koreans; Hell, look at their own agricultural industry, it's thriving... This might explain why food production has been less than a shining success in Africa during all this time...

The director underscored the need to hand down the president's warm loving care and solicitude shown to the African peoples to posterity and materialize his far-reaching plan.

Oh, so it never really went anywhere?

The latest Juche health breakthrough

Portable medical apparatus developed

Pyongyang, May 30 (KCNA) -- A magnet purpose treater has been developed in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. The apparatus has an effect on human body as acupuncture does.

Ahh, so it's electro-magnetic quackery instead?

It has different sizes and models according to the strength of the magnetic field.

I am so impressed right now...

It is used in the treatment of neuralgia, blood vessel diseases, inflammation, toothache, indigestion, diarrhea, etc. it stimulates bioelectricity in human body and thus promotes circulation of blood and restrains the activities of disease germ.

You know that it has to be good if it can deal with toothaches and diarrhoea...

The apparatus with 700-800 gausses is used for skin and blood vessel diseases, toothache, etc. and the apparatus with 1,000-1,300 gausses for intestine diseases.

The portable appliance makes it possible to prevent harmful effect of geomagnetism on human body.

It has proved successful in the treatment of patients suffering from hypertension, cerebral thrombosis, neuralgia and contusion.

It is popular among patients for self-treatment, immediate effect and no pain.

I can't possibly be the only person looking forward to seeing this infomercial.

Groundhog Day resumed on the 30th

Supreme Commander Kim Jong Il inspects KPA unit

Pyongyang, May 30 (KCNA) -- supreme commander Kim Jong Il today inspected KPA unit 934 on the forefront. He was greeted on the spot by general officers of the KPA and commanding officers of the unit.

Why is this a novelty? Do they usually wait two miles away to greet him, or something?

After receiving a salute, he looked round the monument to President Kim Il Sung's on-the-spot guidance and historic relics.

I'm beginning to think that all of their military bases look exactly the same.

He inspected with vivid memory the observation post and trenches on the height associated with the footprints of the president.

Noting that thanks to his outstanding military idea and wise leadership our country turned into an invincible military power with a powerful all-people, nationwide defence system, he said that these immortal revolutionary exploits performed by the president would shine long in the history of the country.

He'd better start hoping that his soldiers don't read the newspapers; otherwise, they might figure out that they're all hearing the same speech.

He dropped in at a fire position to acquaint himself in detail with the unit's performance of its duty and the combat readiness of its servicemen.

He set forth important tasks which would serve as guidelines in increasing the unit's combat capability in every way, greatly pleased to see all commanding officers and men creditably performing their guard duties with a high degree of vigilance in view of the daily undisguised moves of the U.S. imperialists for aggression and fully prepared as one-match-for-a hundred fighters equipped with high military technique and having strong combat capability through the thorough implementation of the party's policy of training.

My bloody head...

He got familiar with the living of the servicemen, looking round an educational room, bedroom, mess, washroom, barber's shop, vegetable field and other places of the unit.

Heh, a military vegetable field?

He met with private first class Mun Kwang Song and privates second class Ri Tong Chol, Hyon Ryong Yong, Pak Rae Yong and Pak Tae Sik who volunteered to join the army recently to carry out before others the law on military service after proceeding to the society as university graduates.

Damned if I can make hide nor hair out of that...

Recalling that the government of the DPRK adopted an ordinance on the system of all-people military service in reflection of the unanimous desire and aspiration of the people who deeply love the army with the noble civic awareness that the defence of the country means greatest patriotism, he stressed that the stirring reality today when all the people are glorifying their youth through their military service with rifles in their hands is a clear proof of the justice and great vitality of this measure.

Because nothing says "justice and vitality" like thirteen years of compulsory military service.

Underscoring the need for all the people to get fully prepared to guard the country in order to firmly defend the socialist homeland, he urged the recruits to arm themselves with the revolutionary spirit of soldiers and steadily train their body and mind during their military service so as to make their life worthwhile and rewarding.

Lord knows what other things you could possibly do to achieve that objective.

He gave servicemen of the unit a pair of binoculars and an automatic rifle as gifts before having a photo session with them.

He must be buying the bloody things in bulk.

How very nice of them

Gift to Kim Jong Il from delegation of U.S. congressmen

Pyongyang, June 1 (KCNA) - General Secretary Kim Jong Il received a gift from the delegation of U.S. congressmen on a visit to the DPRK. The gift was handed to an official concerned yesterday by Curt Weldon, vice-chairman of the Armed Services Committee of the U.S. House of Representatives, who is heading the delegation.

No details on the nature of the gift, or whether Maxine Waters (D - CA) finally decided to come home to roost.

Groundhog Day continues unabated...

Kim Jong Il inspects KPA unit honored with title of Kum Song Lifeguard

Is it just me, or does that sound like something the Klingons might pull out during an episode of Star Trek?

Pyongyang, June 1 (KCNA) -- Supreme Commander Kim Jong Il today inspected KPA unit 716 honored with the title of Kum Song lifeguard. He dropped in at the servicemen's hall where he saw combat records of the unit shining with victory and glory and heard an explanation about its history.

Noting that the unit has performed great exploits, thus fully demonstrating the heroic mettle of the KPA, he called on the servicepersons of the unit to emerge ever-victorious in the future, too, by preserving its proud tradition.

At the operation commanding room, he heard from the commander of the unit how it is performing its duty.

After watching the training of servicepersons of the unit, he was greatly satisfied to see all the servicepersons of the unit fully prepared politically and ideologically and in military technique and physically to wipe out any formidable enemy at a single blow.

He learned in detail about the management of the unit, looking round the compound of the barracks reminiscent of a park.

He was greatly pleased to see the barracks that look fascinating.

He really needs to get out more often...

Then he moved on to a company under the direct control of the unit.

He paid deep attention to the living of its soldiers, looking round entertainment, educational and logistic facilities.

He praised the commanding officers for showing deep love for their soldiers, noting with great pleasure that the company is assiduously and methodically managing its economic life by learning from the fighting spirit and way of life of the anti-Japanese guerrilla army and its officers are taking warm care of its soldiers as they would do their own flesh and blood.

I suppose that means that they're short on cash, but heavy on buggery.

At the outdoor resting place of the unit, he spared time to see a collection of drawings "soldier's worthwhile days will always be remembered" of private first class Ri Song Hyok.

After seeing one by one Ri's drawings truthfully depicting the worthwhile days of his service, he said it is very good for the servicemen to make their life rewarding so that they might always remember their proud days spent as soldiers nothing is more honorable and worthwhile than to dedicate their youth to the defence of the country, he added.

He enjoyed an art performance given by servicepersons of the company while having a pleasant rest on Sunday.

Operation West Side Story™ is obviously still on track.

After listening to their songs, he said that our soldiers not only like to make a revolution and wage a struggle but lead an optimistic life and gave a warm pep-talk to them.

He had a photo session with servicepersons of the unit.

No binoculars or assault rifle this time? They must have felt ripped off...

Posted 10:39 by Paul
Here's an example of a slightly less enlightened monarch...

King Blames Trousers for World's Ills

MBABANE (Reuters) - Swaziland's absolute monarch has singled out women wearing trousers as the cause of the world's ills in a state radio sermon that also condemned human rights as an "abomination before God."

"The Bible says curse be unto a woman who wears pants, and those who wear their husband's clothes. That is why the world is in such a state today," Mswati, ruler of the impoverished feudal nation of about one million, said late on Thursday.

Of course, the crappy overall state of his country might also be related to his purchase of a Bombardier Global Express business jet at a price of seventy-five million dollars, which exceeds Swaziland's education budget, but I'm known to digress...

"What rights? God created people, and He gave them their roles in society. You cannot change what God has created. This is an abomination before God," the king told an audience of conservative church leaders.

Women on the streets of capital Mbabane were not impressed.

"The king says I am the cause of the world's problems because of my outfit. Never mind terrorism, government corruption, poverty and disease, it's me and my pants. I reject that," said Thob'sile Dlamini.

Heh, smart lass...

Mswati is Africa's last absolute monarch. He is currently married to nine wives, with a wedding pending for wife number 10, and has chosen an additional fiancee after reviewing videos of topless maidens performing a traditional Reed Dance ceremony.

"Reed Dance"? So that's what the young people are calling it these days?

Posted 10:29 by Paul
Ahhh, good news...

Britain's Queen Marks 50 Years Since Coronation

LONDON (Reuters) - Queen Elizabeth celebrated the 50th anniversary of her coronation Monday, kindling nostalgia among her subjects for a lost era and soul-searching over the monarchy's role in modern Britain.

Oh yes, I'm sure that there was much soul-searching... Why not throw in some gnashing of teeth while we're at it?

The 77-year-old Queen returned to London's Westminster Abbey -- where she was crowned aged 27 on June 2, 1953 -- for a memorial service to be followed by a tea-party for underprivileged children at her Buckingham Palace gardens.

She has been a class act and a most benevolent Sovereign for fifty years; here's to hoping for fifty more.

God save the Queen.

Posted 10:09 by Paul
Cheese-eating Surrender Monkey Watch

French defense minister offers partnership with Singapore

SINGAPORE, May 31 (AFP) - 11:12 GMT - French Defense Minister Michele Alliot-Marie on Saturday offered Singapore a technological partnership as she pushed the sale of Rafale fighter planes.

Because you can just imagine the Singaporeans suddenly getting tired of partnering up with the US, and choosing the Frogs instead...

The Rafale is among the aircraft being considered by Singapore, which is expected in the coming months to announce a billion-dollar deal to buy some 20 warplanes.

"If Singapore keeps the Rafale, as I hope, we will look together at how to further perfect this plane which is reputed to be one of the most capable," Alliot-Marie told reporters.

According to whom? The French Air Force has yet to take delivery of any major numbers of the bloody thing, the Navy has about twenty of them, and their avionics aren't even fully up to snuff yet ("You don't need to drop bombs on anyone for a while, do you? Well, that's good, because we still haven't finished coding that part of the software anyway, so you can only use air-to-air ordnance for the next two years... Good luck!"). Where did it earn this reputation?

At this pace, I wouldn't be terribly surprised if the Eurofighter and the F-22 ended up in service in greater numbers ahead of the Rafale.

Posted 09:52 by Paul
Gee, no shit, Sherlock...

All major Indian cities within range of Chinese missiles: report

NEW DELHI, May 30 (AFP) - 15:55 GMT - India warned Friday that every major Indian city was within reach of Chinese missiles, indicating continued suspicion in Delhi of its huge neighbour to the west.

"It cannot be ignored that every major Indian city is within reach of Chinese missiles and this capability is further augmented to include submarine launched ballistic missiles," an annual report of Indian ministry of defence said.

You'd sort of think that, if cities in the continental US are within Chinese missile range (and have been for quite a while now), Indian ones would be as well...

Posted 09:04 by Paul
Mugabe Watch

Zimbabwe opposition leader held

Of course, as usual, the world is busy looking elsewhere while Bob is stifling dissent. Still no word from the celebs and the pinko activists on this suppression of free speech and what-not (no "Mugabe = Ashcroft" signs either, now that I think about it).

HARARE, Zimbabwe -- Zimbabwe police arrested opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai on Monday ahead of a week of planned protests called to drive President Robert Mugabe from power.

Tsvangirai, who leads the Movement for Democratic Change (MDC), was picked up at his house and taken to Harare Central Police station.

They must be smacking him around with the Yellow Pages as we speak.

Early on Monday, the government showered central Harare with leaflets urging Zimbabweans to ignore the strike call.

Oh good, they finally put that plane to use...

One of the leaflets read: "No to mass action, no to violence, no to British puppets, no Rhodesian sell-outs, no to the MDC, enough is enough."

They left out the "No to the Bogeyman!" part...

Posted 21:06 by Paul
Oy...

New Canadian Tory Leader Defends 'Deal With Devil'

TORONTO (Reuters) - The new leader of Canada's Progressive Conservatives spent his first day on the job on Sunday defending a secret, last-minute deal to review the party's traditional support of free trade.

Nova Scotia Member of Parliament Peter MacKay won the leadership of one of the country's oldest political parties in the fourth round of voting at a grueling Toronto convention that ran late into the night on Saturday.

But to secure the victory, the former prosecutor cut the secret deal with rival candidate David Orchard to review the North American Free Trade Agreement in exchange for Orchard's support.

Orchard, an anti-free trade activist, is widely viewed as a fringe candidate within the Tory party.

You're off to an ominous start there, Peter, please don't let us all down just yet...

And then... Nick has an excellent posting on this matter over at his place, go read it.

Posted 21:00 by Paul
Good News...

Biden May Still Make Democratic Presidential Bid

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. Sen. Joseph Biden said on Sunday he may yet join the Democratic field of presidential contenders, asserting a decision this fall won't be too late for him to win the party's nomination.

On CBS' "Face the Nation," the six-term Delaware Democrat said he still was considering making a run for the White House and would announce a decision early in the fall.

Well, it's good news for us bloggers, he's almost as much of an arseclown as Kucinich, and he likes to "borrow" passages from other people's speeches. Potentially, he's a bitch-slapping gold mine.

Posted 18:11 by Paul
Here's to hoping that this goes through...

Barcelona 'bid for Beckham'

Barcelona have made a verbal offer of £30m to bring England captain David Beckham to Spain, according to reports in a number of Sunday's newspapers.

Manchester United are said to have accepted the offer in principle after preliminary talks with Barca representatives.

The Catalan giants cannot make a firm bid for Beckham until the new club president is unveiled after the club's elections on 15 June, the reports say.

Next season would definitely suck much less if F.C. Barcelona manages to get its hands on Beckham, awful hair and all.

Posted 18:01 by Paul
Why aren't the usual pinkos bleating about the tragic breakdown in law & order that led to this?!

Museum reviews arson damage

Staff at one of Wales' top visitor attractions have been trying to salvage an historic building seriously damaged in an arson attack.

How come nothing was done to prevent this most uncivilised breakdown in law and order? Where were the military authorities...?? Oh, right, it's Wales...

Police are convinced that the blaze which wrecked a Grade II listed slate hay shed at the Museum of Welsh Life at St Fagans, near Cardiff, was started deliberately.

Grade II listed hay shed? Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

The open-sided barn - which was full of hay at the time of the fire - was built in 1870 and was acquired by the museum in 1977. The roof was made of slate, as were the slate pillars which support it.

It's a tragic loss for civilisation. *giggle*

Posted 17:40 by Paul
Oh for the Love of God...

Republican Rose plans royal snub

The deputy leader of the Scottish National Party is to boycott a visit by the Queen to the Scottish Parliament.
Roseanna Cunningham is one of about 20 MSPs who are expected to snub Tuesday's address at Holyrood.

The Perth MSP told BBC Scotland that she does not think the monarchy should play any part in Scottish politics.

She also called for an end to the oath of allegiance which MSPs must swear before the start of the parliamentary session.

Ms Cunningham, who has been nicknamed Republican Rose, is a long-time opponent of the monarchy.

She was one of a number of MSPs who took the oath under protest as the Scottish Parliament was sworn in after the May election.

Amazing, they're just as childish as our own wiener gang of separatists, the PQ; how very sad.

Posted 17:13 by Paul
Oy Vey...

It would appear that Ith has designated me to try my damnedest to replace her over at the Gaggle while she and Nin are off on vacation for a week starting this Friday.

I must admit that I'm honoured that she thought of me, and appreciates me enough to have asked me.

I must also admit that I'm scared shitless, but I have high hopes of getting over that by Friday.

Posted 03:45 by Paul
Random American Idol Thought...

Today, I had the misfortune of figuring out that this From Justin to Kelly American Idol movie (musical) is not a joke.

For those of you that haven't heard, this travesty stars last year's winner and runner-up on American Idol (which means that they're very well-known...God knows where, but anyway).

Anyway, I'm just sitting here hoping that this isn't the beginning of some extremely awful trend, as I would not enjoy having to endure a never-ending series of ads promoting From Fatboy to Buttercup in 2004.

Posted 03:18 by Paul
What a relief...

According to this Geek Test (found via Tex), I only have Geekish Tendencies, with a score of 11.83432%.

Thank Christ...

Posted 18:38 by Paul
Oh, right...

Palestinian PM: Cease-fire to Be Reached in 20 Days

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas said on Saturday he expected militant Palestinian factions to agree to a cease-fire in their battle against Israeli occupation within 20 days.

Abbas, otherwise known as Abu Mazen, told al-Jazeera television that he had made significant progress in talks with leaders of militant groups, such as Hamas, which are responsible for attacks that have killed scores of Israelis.

"In a period that won't exceed twenty days, (there will be) an agreement for a full calming down in all Palestinian territories," Abbas told the satellite station based in Qatar.

So, is anyone buying this bullshit?

Then again, I suppose that the terrorists could interpret this as having twenty days to blow themselves, and as many civillians as possible, to smithereens.

Posted 10:48 by Paul
If you happen to be wondering where I've been...

Jordan was kind enough to invite me over for drinks yesterday evening, so I got completely wasted. At any rate, a good time was had by all, and it was really nice meeting him.

Thankfully, Jordan was less wasted than I was, and he drove me back home... I'm still mildly worried about my poor car's clutch, but I'll check on that later on.

On the bright side of things, I've still never been hung over. :)

Blogging should resume at a more normal rate during the day.

Cheers,

Paul

Posted 09:57 by Paul
Shit-faced Bastards

Bomb Kills Two in North Spain, ETA Blamed

MADRID, Spain (Reuters) - A bomb killed two police officers and seriously injured a third Friday in the northern Spanish region of Navarre in an attack which the government blamed on armed Basque separatist group ETA.

"ETA has returned to commit a brutal attack," Deputy Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy told a news conference. "We will keep fighting within the law. ... This a terrorist group and those who support it."

Rajoy said two police officers were killed and a third was in a serious condition in hospital after the bomb attack in the main square of the small town of Sanguesa, some 28 miles east of the regional capital Pamplona.

I have nothing to say, except that I feel for the families of these police officers. They were doing their duty; may they rest in peace.

Posted 09:50 by Paul
There just isn't such a thing as good news when this government is involved...

Canada Lays Down Limits on Joining Missile Defense

Loose chronology of the Government of Canada's position:

- Two weeks ago: "We'll think about it, but we're not that interested, and there's no need to rush into anything."
- Last week: "We're rather interested, but we can't really go ahead without thinking about it some more, consulting the Cabinet, Liberal caucus, and holding a full debate in the House of Commons."
- Yesterday, after two questions in the House: "Wooohoooo! We're in! Let the technology transfer and the lucrative contracts begin!"
- Today: "OK, we're in, but only under the following conditions..."

Ladies & Gentlemen, we might as well stop pretending, and go change the signs at the border: we have become France.

ST PETERSBURG, Russia (Reuters) - Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, under fire for planned talks with Washington over joining a U.S. missile defense system, on Friday said Canada would not sign up if it became clear the Americans wanted to put weapons into space.

At this point, the missile defence project involves no weapons in space, and we haven't even sat down with the Yanks to sort things out. Why would you run your mouth now? For the love of God, man, if you're Hell-bent on doing your own cheesy imitation of the Trudeau pirouette and desperately want to annoy them, why don't you wait until you're in the middle of negotiations, and you actually have some stake in the project, maybe even some leverage?

The Canadian military had strongly backed the idea of starting the talks since, if Ottawa joined up, the system would be run through the existing bilateral North American Aerospace Defense Command in Colorado (NORAD).

Well, it's a bloody good reason to be in favour of it.

"We want to participate -- hopefully through NORAD -- to the defense of North America against missiles. We will not participate in a program if it is to be the weaponization of space," he told a news conference in St Petersburg.

Now, when you actually stop and think about it, why? Do we have some sort of clandestine space exploration program that I don't know about? Do we have a claim to some specific bit of space? Do we not like laser light shows? Honestly, what difference does it make? The oceans of the world are full of ICBMs being toted around by Fleet Ballistic Missile submarines, yet it doesn't make me any more nervous about taking a swim...

Chretien said Canada needed to be at the table with the Americans because missiles heading for U.S. targets would first pass over Canadian territory.

"You can't tell a missile 'Stop, you have to show your papers before proceeding'."

The sad part is that it took him all morning to come up with that line.

Posted 00:15 by Paul
HEH.

Go visit Bruce, he has an excellent posting on how things suddenly change in NYC when month-end approaches, due to the police's quota system:

Around the last three or four days of the month, the ticket blitz begins. Quota time. Anonymous cops on radio talk shows have, er, copped to what everyone knew who'd lived here for 15 minutes — law officers need to produce a couple of dozen tickets a month.

Come the waning days of the moon, the cops put down their coffees and start creative writing courses. The traffic wardens, usually content to sashay the boulevards lazily, swarm down the byways, scattering little orange blossoms as they go.

I suspect that the traffic warden image will haunt me for days to come.

Anyway, go read.

Posted 23:58 by Paul
Oh, and by the by...

Go visit Jay.

Why? Because he told me to (*lol*), and because there's plenty of excellent reading to be found over there; so go, go now.

Posted 23:55 by Paul
A Musical Interlude...

While I was out walking Reinhard (the dog), a song that I seem to crave as of late started playing on my iPod, "Weeping Willow" by The Verve.

I haven't quite figured out why I'm so enthralled by a song that ends with lyrics like this...

Weeping willow
The pills under my pillow
Weeping willow
Pills under my pillow
Weeping willow
The Gun under your pillow
Weeping willow
Beside me
Beside me
Beside me
Beside me

...but, if you don't already have it, I'd strongly suggest that you get your hands on it; the way it builds itself up, with such a catchy mix of guitars, drums, bass, and Richard Ashcroft's voice... Anyway, it's surprisingly simple, yet a masterpiece nonetheless (if you actually like Brit music, I suppose).

Posted 22:50 by Paul
Kim Jong Il-Juche-Songun Watch

I know, I know, I'm sorry... I'll keep it relatively short.

Anecdote about Kim Jong Il

Pyongyang, May 28 (KCNA) --Kim Jong Il looked round up-to-date machines and equipment made by local technicians with their own technique in June Juche 86 (1997). Briefing the officials accompanying him on the global trend and future direction of their development, he stopped in front of a large turbo-refrigerator.

"...and was heard to utter the following words of wisdom: 'What the f*ck is a turbo-refrigerator?'"

Told by an official that some institutions were using the refrigerator, he asked whether it was working well.

"He expressed great concern and paternal love for his comrades by asking them whether their sandwiches ever spoiled."

The official told him that it was out of order sometimes.

But, then again, you can only hope for so much from a copy of a 1956 Kelvinator.

Saying that such trouble might be caused by the poor-quality packing of the refrigerator, Kim Jong Il explained in detail about its technical features.

He had retained that knowledge from his youthful years interning at the People's WalMart.

He also said researches into the packing should be made to improve its quality.

Oh, absolutely...

World No-Tobacco Day

Pyongyang, May 28 (KCNA) -- Activities are being conducted in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea to mark the World No-Tobacco Day, May 31. The government is directing efforts to encourage people to quit smoking harmful to them. Medical workers across the country are intensifying propaganda about the harmfulness of smoking among the people and stimulating officials to take the lead in the anti-smoking campaign.

In honour of this glorious event, I think I'll go buy a carton of Dunhill on Saturday... [Homer] Mmmmmmmm, Dunhill... [/Homer]

Multifarious...

"Multifarious"??! WTF?

...propaganda activities such as performance by artistic propaganda squads...

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! Did the Judean People's Front Crack Suicide Squad also join in?

...screening of the scientific film "health and tobacco" and photo exhibition have been conducted as demanded by the new century.

Yes, loud cries have sprung forth from the century, and the masses, on this subject.

Much effort is being made at industrial establishments to create a favorable environment for the young people to refrain from smoking.

In this way, the DPRK is joining in the efforts for the implementation of the no-smoking initiative of the world health organization for building the 21st century free from cigarettes and the 2000-2004 action program of its South-East Asian Regional Office.

Damn, I'm going to have to take the DPRK off my travel list because of this.

Posted 22:05 by Paul
Another Apology Posting...

I'm terribly sorry about the rather sparse level of posting today.

I had to hurry up and finish a project at work considerably ahead of time because someone is leaving on vacation. Why the powers that be allow key people to go on vacation for a few weeks in the middle of a project, God only knows. Moreover, I'm even more puzzled about why I haven't buggered off in mid-project myself. I mean, what the Hell? If everyone else can do it, why should I repress myself for the greater good?

Anyway, after leaving work, I decided to reacquaint myself with this, and it's going to take a lot of effort (so I might as well leave it until the weekend, when I might have the chance to read through the whole manual).

Normalcy should resume shortly.

Cheers,

Paul

Posted 12:29 by Paul
Mugabe - Mbeki Axis of Arseclown Watch

Thabo Mbeki, South Africa's president, has penned an Op-Ed piece for the Al-Guardian in defence of Bulawayo Bob Mugabe's official "Kill Whitey Act"; this comes as quite a shock to me, as I had no idea that the man that believes that HIV doesn't cause AIDS actually knew how to write (it probably took them half an hour with the jaws of life to pry the pen out of his ear before the actual writing started).

Anyway, both Sasha and Tex have dismembered it, so I strongly suggest that you go read both fiskings.

Posted 09:30 by Paul
Quote of the Day

This is what Joe Clark has to say about the PM's latest flight of idiocy:

"He should start acting like a Prime Minister and stop acting like a petulant child," said Joe Clark, the Tory leader and former prime minister.

Hear, hear.

Actually... Brian Mulroney (our former PM) also had some comments of his own:

"He is certainly off to a good start again. This will be another magnificent contribution by Jean Chrétien to the intricate and elegant world of international diplomacy," Mr. Mulroney said.

Heh.

Posted 09:06 by Paul
Wow, he still has no shame...

Clinton Wants Change in Presidential Term Limits

BOSTON (Reuters) - Former President Bill Clinton said on Wednesday Congress should change the rule that barred him from seeking a third term in the White House, but stopped short of saying he wants to return as commander-in-chief.

Speaking at the John F. Kennedy Library and Museum here, Clinton questioned certain aspects of the 22nd Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, which prevents a person from being elected president more than twice.

Clinton said the amendment, passed after Franklin D. Roosevelt was elected to a record fourth term, should be changed simply to keep a person from being elected to more than two consecutive terms as president.

"I think since people are living much longer ... the 22nd Amendment should probably be modified to say two consecutive terms instead of two terms for a lifetime," Clinton said.

Right, because you just never know when you might be seized by a sudden urge to re-elect President Dionysus Presley...

Posted 00:27 by Paul
Random Thought

Yes, I liked the TV show Due South...

As soon as I find the other three guys that did, I'll let you know.

Christ, I'd better go to bed before the varnish gets to me, especially now that Too Shy by Kajagoogoo suddenly started playing on the iPod.

Posted 00:23 by Paul
And now, tonight's edition of "What's that smell?"

It's some sort of über-powerful varnish that they applied in someone's apartment two floors down...about eight hours ago.

I was under the impression that smoking was supposed to dull my sense of smell...

Posted 23:25 by Paul
Hmmmm...

According to the CTV News, the RCAF's EH-101 Cormorant is an American-made helicopter.

I'm sure that the Brits and Italians must be as surprised as I am by this revelation.

I see that the Research Department continues to perform a kick-ass job.

Posted 21:05 by Paul
Worst...Song...Ever...!

OK, it's from 1992, so it doesn't fall within the Eighties category, but it's still - by far - the worst song known to man, as far as I'm concerned. (What's even scarier is that quite a few copies of it were sold in Spain just before the Barcelona Olympics. Oh, they were young, they were stupid, etc.)

Anyway, download this:

All my Loving, no, not the Beatles' version, download the version by Los Manolos.

I wash my hands of all responsibility as to whatever consequences may ensue.

Posted 17:39 by Paul
Some more truly lamentable news...

Two more detainees at Guantanamo attempt suicide: Pentagon

WASHINGTON, May 28 (AFP) - 21:16 GMT - Two more detainees at the US naval base in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba have tried to kill themselves in the past 10 days, raising to 27 the number of suicide attempts since prisoners began arriving from the war in Afghanistan, a Pentagon spokeswoman said Wednesday.

One attempt was by an inmate who had tried to kill himself at least once before, said Commander Barbara Burfeind. The other detainee had not attempted suicide before, she said.

"Both were unhurt," she said, adding that they had been examined by medical personnel.

Damn... Well, better luck next time, lads.

Posted 17:16 by Paul
Ith, You're...

Too shy, shy
Hush, hush, eye to eye.

HA!

I told you I'd wreak my revenge, mwhahahahaha!

I apologise to the rest of you, we seem to have some sort of traumatising songs of the Eighties contest going on.

Fine, update

My first attempt seems to have failed miserably, so, Ith, chew on this:

Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical!

You can't possibly tell me that you like that song.

Don't make me bring out REO Speedwagon!

*GROAN*

Fine:

We built this city
We built this city on rock & roll!

You are much tougher than I thought.

Thank God for Google...

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I've blessed the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never have

If that doesn't cause damage of some kind, I'd suggest some sort of therapy, or having your eardrums checked. :P

Posted 16:02 by Paul
HEH HEH.

Miss Canada's costume draws mixed reviews

Canada's contribution to the Miss Universe pageant this year involved, predictably enough, maple leafs. And feathers. Lots and lots of feathers.

Leanne Cecile, a 26-year-old representing Canada, strode down the runway in Panama on Monday night in a vivid, three-metre-wide outfit for the national costume competition.

The focal point of the costume -- including Ms. Cecile's maple-leaf mask, shoulder pads and headdress -- represents the Canadian penny. The feathers were inspired by Caribana, a Toronto street festival based on a Caribbean theme, said Denis Davila, the designer.

I think I should mention that Miss Canada is as white as a sheet. BTW, if you want to look at this abomination of a costume, click the link above.

Fashion experts in Canada, however, were not quite so enthusiastic.

"That is just awful," said Peter Duck, a professor at Ryerson University's school of fashion in Toronto. "It doesn't say anything about Canada whatsoever. It's Las Vegas gone berserk."

Jeanne Beker, the host of Fashion Television, said Canada's costume was "absolutely frightening."

"It would have worked better if that suit was a little skimpier. I hate to say it, but it's true," she said. "I can't even believe that this is seriously our entry. I know that's awfully unpatriotic of me and I'm sure this girl is a very sweet girl and obviously beautiful. But the outfit has got to go."

The maple leaf mask should be sent to Jean Chrétien so he can wear it next time he visits the United States, she added.

Well, I'm all for it, as long as we remember to include a large roll of the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape, for the PM's mouth.

Posted 15:56 by Paul
Will someone please put a muzzle on this moron?!

PM says he's better than Bush

ATHENS - Jean Chrétien, the Prime Minister...

Those words are enough to make any man cringe.

...offered strong criticisms yesterday of George W. Bush, the U.S. President, attacking both his economic stewardship and his conservative social policies.

How any of this is his business, God only knows.

In a frank discussion with journalists aboard the prime ministerial Airbus en route to a Canada-EU summit in Athens, Mr. Chrétien took issue with the Bush administration running a US$500-billion deficit while claiming to run a "right-wing" government.

Uhhhh, Jean, you might find it a bit more difficult to run a surplus if you A/ actually believed in putting your money where your deformed pie-hole is when it comes to having some sort of presence on the world stage, and B/ didn't think that taxing the Hell out of your citizens for shits and giggles made for sound fiscal policy.

Mr. Chrétien, who is to speak on the global economy at next week's G8 summit in Evian, France, contrasted his own performance with that of Mr. Bush. He noted that under the Republicans, U.S. economic growth has become weaker and unemployment is rising, while Canada is enjoying strong job creation and growth of 2.5% expected this year.

Yes, McDonald's restaurants are fully-staffed country-wide, it's quite the achievement. Furthermore, SARS and a mad cow are a walk in the park compared to having two planes bring all activity to a halt in the world's financial centre. You just missed a golden opportunity to cram a sock in it, pal. Are you off your medication again?

The Prime Minister laid part of the blame for the U.S. economy's troubles on Mr. Bush.

Because there's no denying that the dork from Shawinigan is a class act all the way.

"We still have surpluses. The Americans will have a $500-billion deficit this year and it is a right-wing government. If we were to equal that we would have to have a $75-billion deficit. Imagine!" he said.

Possibly, but you'd also have a military that could be deployed in large quantities anywhere on the face of the Earth in less than a week, and that could be used to deal with any terrorist threat. It's nice to sit back and laugh at the guy down south when your country's defence depends almost entirely on him.

"Of course we don't think alike on many issues. On social issues, he is a conservative. I am for free choice on abortion. He is not. He is against gun control. I am for it. He is for capital punishment. I am against it. I am a Liberal," he said.

Jean, except for the abortion bit, you're a complete prat.

During the conversation, Mr. Chrétien went out of his way to praise former Democratic president Bill Clinton and noted the two leaders remain close friends and continue to golf together.

Oh of course, it stands to reason that you'd absolutely want to have the guy that exposes his knob to interns among your closest, dearest, friends.

This week, Mr. Chrétien telephoned Mr. Bush to talk about the G8 summit and to try to heal the rift that widened when Canada refused to join the U.S.-led war against Iraq.

I'm glad to see that that's working out nicely. You can be sure that the PM has lost his marbles when he doesn't have enough common sense to take childish pot-shots at the most powerful man on Earth under the guise of "a highly-placed source within the Cabinet".

With retirement in the offing, Mr. Chrétien was notably frank as he spoke to journalists at the back of the plane, saying that he has been approached for jobs in the private sector after he leaves office next February, but insisted "I am not negotiating with anyone right now."

This is quite a shame, I could really see him as the next spokesman for Viagra and Gold Bond Powder.

He said he would not be interested in seeking the top job at the United Nations when Secretary-General Kofi Annan leaves, but suggested he would like to write a weekly newspaper column.

"I am not a candidate for any job anywhere. I don't want to be a bureaucrat. I want to be a free-lancer," he said. "Next year, I might start to write about the press. I think that the paper that signs me will sell a helluva lot of papers."

Oh, my fucking head...

And then... Ari Fleischer fires back: "One of the reasons for that (deficit) is the United States was attacked on Sept. 11 -- Canada was not. The United States helped lead a war to bring freedom to the people of Iraq," said Fleischer...

To my great shame, Canada didn't.

Posted 12:39 by Paul
This isn't even remotely funny...

Quebec students' writing skill ranked tops in Canada

This isn't the first of April, is it?

Quebec high school students are Canada's top scribes, a national assessment of 24,000 students made public yesterday shows.

Taking into account that most of them don't know the difference between the spelling of an infinitive verb and its past participle in their own mother tongue, this is the scariest thing I have ever read. If you do happen to bump into a particularly gifted one that can, you have an even chance of him (or her) not knowing that, when used as an adjective, a past participle's gender may need to be modified to match the noun that it qualifies.

Quebec students age 13 and 16 were able to write as well or better than average Canadians from the same age groups, said Pierre Brochu, co-ordinator of the School Achievement Indicators Program.

If this isn't a clear indication that Canada's educational system is fundamentally flawed, I don't know what is.

Francophone Quebecers scored especially high marks, in spite of frequent complaints by teachers over students' written French skills.

If I had a dime for every time I've had to read signs indicating a closed door saying "Porte fermer" (infinitive verb) or "Porte fermé" (past participle used as a male adjective, in spite of the fact that door is feminine) rather than the appropriate "Porte fermée", I'd be a very rich man indeed.

"We're a distinct society!" Oh, sorry, I mean "We're de societies of distinct!"

Yeah, a distinct society of functional illiterates.

Posted 12:22 by Paul
I hope to Hell that this works out for them...

Canadian Soldiers Sue Army for C$70 Million

QUEBEC CITY (Reuters) - A group of 25 active and retired soldiers said on Tuesday they were suing the Canadian Armed Forces for up to C$70 million ($51 million), alleging the army neglected their mental health during missions abroad.

The lawsuit states that the absence of swift medical attention for soldiers suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder compromised their military careers and caused them "atrocious" suffering.

It says the stress followed foreign missions in which Canadian soldiers were exposed to "grave dangers" and witnessed numerous atrocities.

It adds that soldiers suffering from the syndrome were harassed by their superiors.

"(If I die), the army will treat my body with honor and pride. If I become ill, if I suffer from post-traumatic symptoms, they crumple me and brush me aside before discharging me," said the plaintiffs' spokesman, George Dumont, a former sergeant who served on peacekeeping missions in Haiti, Cyprus, Somalia and the former Yugoslavia.

Canadian soldiers regularly serve on peacekeeping missions abroad.

There you have it. Join the Canadian Forces (now with a new and wussier logo!), go keep the "peace" in far out exotic places on a shoestring budget for ingrates, and come home to a nation of ingrates that won't even give you proper medical attention!

Sounds appealing, doesn't it?

(Of course, one might be tempted to argue that they would end up witnessing fewer atrocities if their Rules of Engagement allowed them to shoot those that commit them, but that's an entirely different discussion.)

Posted 12:11 by Paul
HEH.

Alleged Casablanca Mastermind Caught, Dies

RABAT (Reuters) - Morocco said Wednesday it had captured the alleged mastermind of suicide bombers who killed dozens of people in Casablanca this month but said he had died from chronic heart and liver disease.

State prosecutor Moulay Abdellah Alaoui Belghiti told state television that Abdelhaq Moulsabbat had been arrested Monday in the central city of Fes, whose poor districts are reputed to be strongholds of radical Islamists.

Moulsabbat died while being taken to hospital, he said. "He (Moulsabbat) suffered chronic heart and liver diseases. His liver weighed 2.1 kilograms (4.6 pounds) against the average 1.4 to 1.5 kilograms (3.3 pounds)," Belghiti said.

I yearn for a return to the days of old, when "brain haemorrhage" was a more fashionable cover story.

Posted 12:07 by Paul
How lamentable...

U.S. Troops Seize Palestinian Diplomat in Baghdad

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - U.S. troops detained a Palestinian diplomat in Baghdad Wednesday in a move sure to anger Arab opinion, and a new council in the volatile northern oil city of Kirkuk elected a Kurdish mayor.

I see that the mythical "Arab Street" is about to make a comeback.

Soldiers handcuffed charge d'affaires Najah Abdul Rahman and four other men outside what ousted Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's government recognized as the Palestine embassy.

The troops said the men had illegal weapons, but it was not clear what had prompted them to disarm a Palestinian diplomat in a city awash with arms seven weeks after Saddam's overthrow.

It might have something to do with the fact that armed Palestinians have more of a tendency to use their weapons, rather than follow Iraqi French-inspired combat tactics.

As a military truck took him away, Abdul Rahman denied he had been carrying a gun. "They searched the embassy... They are targeting the embassy," he shouted to reporters.

It could just be that they're interested in confiscating all the explosive belts in the "embassy's" gift shop.

Posted 09:39 by Paul
Oh, no...

Lavigne's 'Boi' to Roll on Film

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Pop singer Avril Lavigne's hit single "Sk8er Boi" is heading to the big screen.

Paramount Pictures has optioned the song and hired "ER" writer/producer David Zabel to adapt its words into a feature film to be produced by studio-based MTV Films and Alphaville.

The song, which captures the divide between cliques and cultures, is about a teenage girl who rejects a skater boy with a crush on her because her friends didn't approve of him -- even though she secretly likes him. Years later, he becomes a famous rock star and she is left with regrets.

This could easily become Canada's greatest affront to civilisation since the "Safety Dance".

Posted 09:33 by Paul
Oh, right...

Islamic Countries Reject Terrorism Tag

You know, if the shoe fits...

TEHRAN (Reuters) - Islamic countries said on Wednesday their religion had been unfairly associated with terrorism and warned military action only bred more followers of groups like al Qaeda.

On the other hand, sitting back and waiting to be slaughtered is a much more effective tactic by far.

Addressing a meeting of foreign ministers from the Organization of the Islamic Conference (OIC), Iran's Foreign Minister Kamal Kharrazi blamed "media campaigns" for creating a false impression of Islam.

Right, it would have nothing to do with the lunatics bearing guns and explosives, wearing Balaklavas, and hoping to become shaheed.

"Ascribing the fanatic and perverted beliefs of the Taliban and al Qaeda terrorist organization to Islam...is a deceitful tactic and a conspiracy to contain the spread of Islamism and Islamic tendencies in the world," he said.

Yes, it's terribly unfortunate that we have finally figured out what you've been calling us during your Friday sermons over the past few centuries.

Posted 00:26 by Paul
Just so that I can't be accused of lacking team spirit...

Go visit the one blog out there with fewer readers than mine (honestly, I don't get it, the futher I progress on the Ecosystem, the fewer people seem to come here; have I become a blogger's blogger or something?), Ninjababe's Ramble. Go for the posting on Spam, stay for the Cleavage Cam; it's a killer combo, no pun intended.

Anyway, go say hi. She'll be happy to see you, and not in a "is that a gun in your pocket...?" kind of way.

Posted 19:19 by Paul
Making a difference, one person at a time...

It seems as though I have managed to convert someone to my bison burger lifestyle; to quote Jordan:

Update: Bison burgers are AMAZING

This is how it starts; next step: world domination!

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Etc.

Posted 18:41 by Paul
Hmmmm...

This is interesting, an island off New Zealand has managed to be cleared entirely of rats after two hundred years; that's quite the accomplishment.

Go read all about it over at Right We Are!

This should also (hopefully) keep Maripat and Lori from kneecapping me for not linking to them sooner as part of this rat race that they have going on.

Posted 17:58 by Paul
HEH + HEH = HEH HEH.

Steve H. has been listening in on conversations between Saddam and Uday. You shouldn't need any incentive to go read the whole thing, but here's some anyway:

Uday: Your brains are like spoiled couscous.

Saddam: You no talk to your mama like that! Mama so sad! Lose so many sons!

Uday: Who you lose? Uday and Qusay still here.

Saddam: Allah save Uday and Qusay, but Mama miss others.

Uday: What others?

Saddam: Ixnay, Amscray, Ebay, Ofay, Ben-Gay, Pele, Amway, and Sugar Ray. Mama miss them all!

Uday: Mama missing more than just sons.

Saddam: Mama especially miss Henweigh.

Uday: Oh, no, Uday not fall for that one again. Rumsfeld? Okay. Papa say he willing to surrender peacefully, but he have demands. First, he want Montana. Yes, state of Montana. He go there, grow cattle, promise not to bother Jews or make poison gas. What? What? Hold on, I ask. Papa?

Go read the whole thing, trust me.

Posted 15:35 by Paul
A few days have passed, so it's high time for some...

Kim Jong Il-Juche-Songun Watch

And we're off to a brilliant start with a headline like this:

S. Korean authorities' pro-U.S. funkeyist [sic] behavior under fire

That's what happens when you have James Brown on the brain.

Pyongyang, May 25 (KCNA) -- A spokesman for the Korean Council of Religionists on Saturday issued a statement denouncing the South Korean authorities' pro-U.S. flunkeyist behavior.

What the Hell is a religionist? Furthermore, is "flunkeyist" even a word?

It is quite natural for religionists and people from all walks of life in South Korea to condemn the flunkeyist trip of the chief executive and express concern over the danger of war.

Well, who am I to argue with that?

And now, a cultural moment...

Museum draws endless stream of visitors

Pyongyang, May 25 (KCNA) -- An endless stream of visitors are visiting the Sinchon Museum in South Hwanghae Province which bears witness to the monstrous massacres committed by the U.S. imperialists during the last Korean war. The museum turned into a centre for anti-U.S. education, class education as instructed by Kim Jong Il on May 25, Juche 87 (1998).

Since then the museum has drawn 2.25 million visitors.

"For every three visits, we give you a ham sandwich!"

They included officials of ministries and national institutions such as the ministries of power and coal industries, railways and people's security, servicepersons of the three services of the Korean People's Army...

It stands to reason that they'd need something to do during those ten years of compulsory military service.

...workers in Ranam, agricultural workers and youth and students from all provinces. The historical evidence displayed in the museum helped them keenly realize once again that the U.S. imperialists are the enemy of the Korean people and wolves in human skin.

The sheep metaphor must have flown over their heads.

They had meetings to condemn the barbarism and swear revenge after visiting the tomb of 400 mothers, the tomb of 102 children and the tomb of patriots, the powder storehouse and the anti-air raid shelter which bear witness to mass killings.

Come on, you should have at least thrown in a "Baby Milk Factory" for good measure (just as an aside, I'm still baffled as to how a baby milk factory is supposed to work).

And now, another of the Dear Leader's greatest scientific achievements...

Kim Jong Il's exploits in completing theory of socialism

Pyongyang, May 24 (KCNA) - General Secretary Kim Jong Il made public many famous works which prove the truth, scientific accuracy and invincibility of socialism toward the end of the last century.

A copy of each work must be available in every three boxes of Yap Ho's Frosted Tree Bark.

Among them are "Socialism is a Science", "Abuses of Socialism are Intolerable", "The Historical Lesson in Building Socialism and the General Line of Our Party", "Giving Priority to Ideological Work is Essential for Accomplishing Socialism", "On Preserving the Juche Character and National Character of the Revolution and Construction", which powerfully encourage the progressive parties and people of the world in their struggle as they serve as great immortal programme clarifying the victorious road of the socialist cause.

Karl Marx must be spinning in his grave.

The People's Front of Workers, Peasants and Students of Peru, the Workers' Party of Mexico, the New Communist Party of Great Britain and other political parties of different countries adopt his famous works as their must book, charter of socialism and action program.

You just know that you must be on the right track when the People's Front of Workers, Peasants and Students of Peru decides to adopt your work as its manifesto. No news as to whether the People's Front of Judea or the Judean People's Front have decided to follow suit as yet, stay tuned.

Meanwhile, the Russian newspaper Patriot, the Syrian newspaper Al Baath, Radio Guinea and other media of many countries this year reported the full text or gist of his works, giving an account of his immortal exploits in the development of the theory on socialism.

Hmmm, Al Baath, you say?

And now, an item dealing with Kim's latest obsession: Japan.

Japan denounced for blindly siding with U.S.

Pyongyang, May 26 (KCNA) -- The Japanese government in a "written answer" approved at its recent cabinet meeting blindly sided with the U.S. It asserted that "the U.S. carefully selected the targets of cluster bombs in consideration of their nature and strove to prevent civilians from falling victim to them." It means that the U.S. use of cluster bombs does not pose an international problem as they were dropped technically in the Iraqi war. In this regard Rodong Sinmun today in a signed commentary says: This was nothing but Japan's shameful act of flattery and servile support for its master, the U.S.

Simultaneous translation: "We're pissed off because we haven't managed to perfect a cluster bomb of our own, and those Soviet models are beginning to look a bit long in the tooth."

And now, young love...

Functions for friendship with DPRK held in Iran

Pyongyang, May 26 (KCNA) -- Opening ceremonies of a week of Iran-DPRK friendship and a Korean book, photo and handicraft exhibition were held in Teheran on May 20. The general director for cooperation with foreign countries of the organization of culture and Islamic relations of Iran in a speech at the opening ceremony of the week of friendship said that the friendly DPRK government has long supported the just stand of Iran, pointing out that the friendly ties between the two countries provided by President Kim Il Sung, the great leader of the Korean people, and Khamenei, leader of the Islamic revolution of Iran, are favorably developing.

So that whole "Axis of Evil" concept was just bollocks, was it?

Then participants saw with great attention photos showing the revolutionary exploits performed by Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il, their famous works, photos and magazines dealing with successes made in socialist construction of the DPRK and handicrafts.

You know how it is, come for your very own copy of "On Preserving the Juche Character and National Character of the Revolution and Construction", stay for the handicrafts.

They watched the Korean film "President of the Islamic Republic of Iran He Seyed Ali Khamenei's visit to our country".

He was so impressed by the Tower of the Juche idea, that he bought a small scale replica of it. The souvenir vendor hasn't yet figured out why he also ordered a large tub of KY to go with it, though.

And now, an important DPRK concern: agriculture...

South Korean Solidarity of Peasants formed in S. Korea

Pyongyang, May 26 (KCNA) -- An inaugural ceremony of the South Korean Solidarity of Peasants was held in Seoul on May 19 with the attendance of the South Korean Federation of Peasants Associations and 8 other peasants' organizations.

They will all be wearing overalls and breaking wind in the palaces of the mighty any minute now.

A declaration issued at the inaugural ceremony referred to the fact that the South Korean agriculture is in the crisis of bankruptcy due to the flunkeyist and traitorous agricultural policy of the authorities.

Well, if anyone knows about traitorous agricultural policy, it's definitely the Dear Leader.

And now, more cultural news...

Achievements in creation of cinema and radio music

Pyongyang, May 26 (KCNA) -- Over the past 45 years since its foundation, the cinema and radio music company has created tens of thousands of pieces of music for feature films, documentary and scientific films, films for the children, tv literary and art works and radio broadcasting. They greatly contributed to the development of the country's art and the cultural and emotional life of the people. It has created 34,131 theme songs of films. Among them are such famous songs as "Song of Comradeship," "General's Family," "Song of Chollima Vanguard" and "We Will Live Long with Motherland" which are popular among the Korean people.

I'm not about to argue with the obvious Juche quality of these scientifically refined titles.

The company has also created more than 280 famous songs including "Don't Advance, Night of Pyongyang".

"...Especially When The Power Is Out..."

The performance of the film music suite "Best is Our Country Led by the General" created by the company in 1996 was highly acclaimed by the audience.

The suite successfully reproduces the theme and other songs of the feature film "The Nation and Destiny" with orchestra and vocal solos, spiced with scenes of the film appearing on the back-drop of the stage.

[Homer] Mmmmmmm, properly spiced musical numbers... [/Homer]

It is a unique form of art showing the pride of the Korean nation led by the peerlessly great man.

Or, as others might call it, a "spectacle son et lumière".

The songs created by the company are very popular among the people as they represent well the personalities of film characters and realistic themes.

When you only are allowed to listen to one radio station, popularity musn't be very hard to achieve.

And now, a moment of levity, DPRK-style...

Anecdote about Kim Jong Il

Pyongyang, May 26 (KCNA) -- Kim Jong Il visited a newly built refined salt factory on May 9, Juche 87 (1998). Watching salt being produced at the factory, he said he was very happy to see snow-white refined salt.

He was heard to declare: "This is a massive Juche improvement compared to that brown stuff that we've been using until now!"

After tasting the salt, he said that its taste was very good...

It's fucking salt, for Christ's sake...

...and that his wish to provide the people with fine soy and salt had come true.

It's gratifying to know that the Dear Leader was aiming this low all along. All that his people need now is something on which they can use the soy and salt, and it'll all fall into place.

He then solved all issues arising in updating the production processes and attaining a high and steady rate of production at the factory.

Single-handedly, and don't you forget it, pal!

And now, political news...

Rodong Sinmun on calls of WPK

Pyongyang, May 26 (KCNA) -- "Let Us Decisively Smash the U.S. Imperialists' Reckless Nuclear Racket and Moves for the Provocation of a New War with the Concerted Efforts of All the Fellow Countrymen Upholding the Slogan of Anti-U.S. Independence," one of the calls of the Central Committee of the Workers' Party of Korea issued on the occasion of the 55th anniversary of the DPRK, is a very just and realistic militant slogan that conforms with the requirements of the prevailing situation and the desire of our nation, says Rodong Sinmun today in a signed article.

Christ, and I thought that that "Bridge to the Twenty-First Century" theme of the last President Bubba campaign was lame...

And now, a Songun moment...

Rodong Sinmun calls for devotedly defending headquarters of revolution

I'd honestly swear that these people are recycling headlines. I'm pretty sure that I saw this one over a month ago.

Pyongyang, May 26 (KCNA) -- Rodong Sinmun today devotes its first whole page to an editorial article titled "the headquarters of the revolution, single-hearted unity and socialism are community united by destiny". We should make it the most important affair to devotedly defend the headquarters of the revolution and safeguard it politically and ideologically at the risk of our lives now that the imperialists are resorting to all sorts of sinister moves targeted at the headquarters of the revolution in a bid to break our single-hearted unity and stifle socialism of our style, the article says.

Someone's getting nervous.

Posted 14:01 by Paul
By the way...

Don't start thinking that I've disabled commenting, it just seems as though the SquawkBox site is down, hence the absence of comments.

I hope that things will return to normal shortly.

Update: comments appear to be working again.

Posted 13:46 by Paul
I think not.

Canada's Manley Backs Surtax for Health Care

OTTAWA (Reuters) - Canadian Finance Minister John Manley, an underdog in the campaign to become the next prime minister, said on Monday that an income surtax may be needed to inject much needed cash into the public health-care system.

You really don't know how to help yourself, do you, John?

"I think one of the things we may want to look at is some kind of dedicated premium that will give more certainty that funding will be adequate," Manley told reporters as he left a weekly cabinet meeting.

His campaign policy borrows from a Senate report in October that recommended billions of dollars in fresh funds be raised through a special health-care insurance premium of between 50 Canadian cents and C$4 ($2.90) a day, depending on income.

Hey, how's this for a concept: we're already way over-taxed as it is, why don't you people cut spending? You can be damned sure that the last thing the Canadian taxpayer is interested in right now is a bloody surcharge.

I hope that it's beginning to dawn upon you why you'll never be PM, John; you're a complete and utter arseclown.

Posted 10:07 by Paul
This is just dripping with credibility...

China denies local company helped Iran's missile program

BEIJING, May 27 (AFP) - 09:16 GMT - China Tuesday denied that any local company had provided assistance to Iran's missile program, reacting to sanctions by the US government.

"No relevant Chinese company has assisted relevant programs in Iran," foreign ministry spokeswoman Zhang Qiyue told a regular briefing.

"We're against any organization using any method to engage in proliferation," she said.

"Unless you're Pakistani, I mean, we're not totally inflexible..."

The US State Department last week announced the termination of all existing contracts between the US government and the North China Industries Corporation, or NORINCO, as well as an Iranian company.

The United States imposed the sanctions after it determined NORINCO had helped Iran "use, acquire, design, develop, produce or stockpile missiles capable of delivering weapons of mass destruction," according to a US official.

Well, there is a positive side to this: this means that the crappiest copy of the Colt 1911 ever made will probably cease being imported from China to the US.

Posted 09:58 by Paul
It's déjà-vu all over again...

EADS Launches A400M Programme

AMSTERDAM --- EADS will now register the largest defence order in its history worth EUR 20 billion for the A400M military transport aircraft.

The A400M contract was signed on Tuesday in Bonn, Germany, by Airbus Military and the European procurement agency OCCAR representing France, Germany, Spain, Turkey, Belgium, Luxemburg and the United Kingdom. The contract will come into effect on 31 May 2003.

First revenues are expected to be generated as soon as this year and to ramp up very quickly, with a total amount of about EUR 2 billion already generated between 2003 and 2005. This will contribute to the EADS overall target to grow defence revenues from EUR 6 billion in 2002 to nearly EUR 10 billion by 2005. With the A400M, the company’s defence order book will double to around EUR 40 billion, placing EADS among the top three defence companies in the world.

For the EADS CEOs Philippe Camus and Rainer Hertrich “the launch of the A400M programme is a major milestone in EADS’ strategy to grow the defence business and further balance civil and military activities.”

“We will immediately start the A400M industrial programme. For all A400M project teams, on-time delivery and full technical compliance are now first priorities,” said Camus and Hertrich. “We know that the armed forces in Europe have an urgent need for the most modern and capable military transport aircraft available, and EADS is ready to meet their need”, the CEOs said.

“The A400M is a breakthrough for the military aircraft industry. We are convinced that the A400M will set new standards in military transport and forces interoperability,” added Francisco Fernandez Sainz, President of Airbus Military and Head of the EADS Military Transport Aircraft Division. “We are proud to harness our expertise in Airbus commercial aircraft to create a high-quality, efficient and technologically advanced military transport aircraft. This will provide the best value for money to all our customers,” Fernandez said.

Whatever, you people launch the bloody thing regularly every three years or so; I'll believe it as soon as I see a prototype in flight testing.

Posted 09:52 by Paul
Jeebus, and I thought that a year was long...

North Korea Shortens Compulsory Military Service

North Korea’s period of compulsory military service has been shortened by three years for both men and women, according to South Korea’s Joint Chief of Staff (JCS) on Tuesday (May 27).

Sounds reasonable enough, doesn't it? Well, until you see this...

The JCS said the North’s compulsory service period has been reduced to 10 years for men from the previous 13, returning to the system it practiced in the early 1990s.

North Korean women are now obliged to stay in uniform for seven years.

Well, at least they're all about almost equal opportunity.

Posted 09:28 by Paul
Just in case I ever have to have that argument again...

Probe of Mulroney cost $5M

The RCMP spent more than $2.7-million investigating Brian Mulroney, the former prime minister, over bribery allegations before closing the file last month, the National Post has learned.

Figures released to the Post yesterday show the Airbus investigation cost the force $2,639,375.22, but that estimate does not include the first two years of the probe.

Together with the $2-million paid to Mr. Mulroney to settle his lawsuit against the government, the total cost of the investigation into kickback allegations is now likely more than $5-million.

"That's a lot of taxpayers' dollars to chase down rumours that were politically motivated," said Marjory LeBreton, a Tory Senator appointed by Mr. Mulroney.

"But the fact that they say that they can't come up with the figure for the 27 months when this whole thing was at its heightened level of activity is rather revealing, I'd say."

The RCMP continued to investigate Mr. Mulroney even after it had apologized to him.

Hey, assholes, stop wasting my goddamned money!

Posted 23:56 by Paul
Whooops...

I'm terribly sorry about the - rather obvious - lack of posting today.

I was pretty bloody busy at work, which was capped off by a company-wide meeting during which our Brave & Fearless leader came over and told us that things aren't so grim, that he has high hopes for the future, introduced us to our new VP Sales & Marketing, and told us that the Company is all set to acquire one or two other companies during the course of the summer.

Where this fuckwit gets the temerity to start buying companies after reducing us to a three day work week, God only knows; however, I do know this much: he should sleep at night with one eye open, especially now that we know how much he pays his wife, the "Director of Human Resources" (I'd laugh my ass off, but it isn't even funny to me anymore).

Anyway, after work, I had promised to help a friend of mine by taking him and his dog over to the vet (I sometimes get the sensation that I'm the only person with a car around here), so that kept me busy for another couple of hours.

I finally got home around 1830 hours. I washed the dishes, made dinner, ate, and, much to my amazement, I ended up completely comatose on the couch until about fifteen minutes ago.

Today's lesson: my couch is way the Hell too comfortable for my own good. At any rate, I'll try to be a bit more useful tomorrow, which should, hopefully, be a more peaceful day by far.

Terribly sorry,

Paul

Posted 11:08 by Paul
HEH.

Tex on the movie "Resident Evil":

Man, this is one of the biggest pieces of crap ever made. Computers and Zombies run amok in some underground research facility...or something. Highlander 2 had a better script than this shitpile.

Now don't get me wrong, I love a good B-movie, but this is an F. I've seen episodes of Sesame Street with more tension. And the sets could have been dragged in from old Dr. Who episodes.

The film has one big plus: Milla Jovovich not wearing many clothes.

Posted 10:49 by Paul
Dear Lord, please cripple John McCallum somehow...

The National Post today contains an interesting article about Dopey McCallum's refusal to increase the size of the Army (we're at twenty thousand now), and his new obsession with replacing our Leopard tanks with the unproven Stryker wheeled direct fire vehicle (I still shudder every time I think of what will happen when a Stryker bumps into a proper tank, but I've written about my feelings vis-à-vis replacing tanks with a glorified APC carrying a gun on top of it before).

Anyway, I was going to spend a decent chunk of my morning bitch-slapping the moron, but then I found this, the latest asshatted waste of money that the Department of National Defence is engaging in: it seems as though they're busy trying to redesign the Forces' logo.

Forces reject logo for 'sissies'

The latest effort by the Department of National Defence to replace the Canadian Forces' logo has once again rejected by the public and soldiers, with one design proposal panned by military members as being directed toward "sissies," a newly released government report says.

WTF was wrong with the old logo?!

Even though the federal government has now spent more than $100,000, the military is going back to the drawing board to design a new logo for the second time since 2000, in a process aimed at avoiding the storm of controversy that would almost assuredly follow any new release.

Oh, I just love it when HM's government decides to put my tax dollars to good use. It fills me with a warm fuzzy feeling...and shooting pain in my left arm, kind of akin to a stroke...

In the meantime, the department is sticking with the old logo, although it is hindering attempts to recruit young people to the forces because it is considered by many as "bland and boring."

Absolutely, because nothing motivates people to join the Armed Forces like an exciting new logo. One might argue that a few other techniques would be massively more useful:

1/ Place your bases closer to civilisation. I almost ended up joining the Air Force last year; it would have been much more tempting for me to do so if I hadn't considered the prospect of spending a few years stuck in Cold Lake. Jesus Christ, if the place is called Cold Lake, it must be colder than a witch's tit over there, even by Canadian standards.

2/ Spend some money so that the troops have proper equipment. The prospect of flying around in a forty year old transport plane loses its appeal pretty quickly.

3/ Stop treating the Armed Forces as Revenue Canada's poor spotty-faced cousin. If the Armed Forces aren't to have a prominent place in society, or at least be appreciated for their efforts, what's the point?

4/ Get over your "Group Hug Army" phase. If I was interested in group hugs and getting in touch with my feminine side, the Army would definitely not be my first employment choice (of course, an obvious Navy joke comes to mind, but I'd rather not cheapen this moment).

It is avoiding negative reaction by presenting the designs to focus groups, this time held in seven different locations across Canada earlier this year.

Sorry, let's make that the "Group Hug & Focus Group Army"; I can't wait for units to start issuing orders through a committee.

The Quebec firm Createc Plus was hired again by the military for the project, this time charging $70,000 to design and test the new logos in the seven markets. The company's efforts in the fall of 2000, which involved logos designed by the scandal-plagued Group Action, cost more than $46,000.

Because, when a project has such a successful track record, why would you ever want it to stop?

One new proposal, which was designed by an outside firm, removed the word "Canadian" from the logo...

*Long stream of expletives!*

...and drew negative comments that it was "tacky" and "looks like a tie clip." Some in the focus groups also commented that they "see the French flag" in the logo because of its colour blocks.

That's it! Where's my bloody gun!?

"In the Canadian Forces (focus) groups, the perceived target audience was ... soft individuals -- perhaps sissies," said the report.

Well, I suppose that anything that displayed a French flag motif would have that problem.

Redesigning the logo, which a military spokesman acknowledged was still a work in progress, is an attempt to simplify and modernize the Canadian Forces' identity.

WHY? If you're so Hell-bent on simplifying things, split the Forces back into Army, RCAF, and RCN, give them back their old crests, and move the fuck on! Leave it to the Liberals to ruin absolutely every single tradition we have in this country. Oh, by the way, I'd like to thank that shithead Trudeau for amalgamating the Armed Forces in the first place, thus removing pretty much any sense of pride that our servicemen and women had.

A fourth proposal, which was also designed in-house, received a mostly negative reaction, with some in the public even suggesting that it "implies that we just lost the war" or "death and loss" and that its "colour is drab and weary." The report said the sepia monochrome colour was a major weakness of the logo, along with the accompanying negative theme of sadness and war.

*Banging head on desk*

During the last round of logo testing, DND considered dropping the word "Canadian" and the British crown.

*Even longer stream of expletives!*

This time "Canadian" is still being removed, but the crest is found in all three new designs.

Oh, well I feel much better now, thank you. First we adopt a flag that could easily be confused with that of Peru, and now the Armed Forces won't have any indication of the fact that they're CANADIAN. Goddamnit, these people are trying to give me a bloody heart attack.

The crown in the crest, which is featured in the current logo, is recreated in one form or another in the three proposals. The Canadian flag is also shown in the last two proposals.

Whoop-dee, I'm sure that the Peruvians will be thrilled.

This is not the first time National Defence has saved itself from embarrassment through focus groups. In the fall of 2000, as it began to consider a new identity, it almost ran an advertisement, also designed by Group Action, claiming the majority of Canadians have a "uniform fetish."

You just get the feeling that whoever wrote that likes to hang around in S&M clubs, don't you?

Posted 08:50 by Paul
The day seems off to a rather inauspicious start...

According to Spanish newspaper La Vanguardia...

62 Spanish Military Personnel die in a Plane Crash in Turkey

(The translation is mine.)

A total of 62 Spanish soldiers have died in the crash of a Ukrainian military aircraft in northeast Turkey, according to sources at the Ministry of Defence.

The soldiers - 40 from the Army, 21 from the Air Force, and one member of the Civil Guard - were returning to Spain after spending four months in Afghanistan.

According to the Air Force, the plane, a Yak-42, crashed around 0330 hours (Spanish time), when it was trying to land for the third time due to fog so that it could be refuelled.

The Ukrainian plane, which was rented by the Spanish General Defence Staff, had started its trip in Kabul, and had stopped in Bishkek (Kirgyzstan). According to information collected by Itar-Tass, the plane crashed while it was covering the route between Bishkek and Zaragoza.

No coherent explanation has been given as to why the General Staff would rent a middle-aged Russian-built short range airliner to fly its people from Kabul to Zaragoza, especially taking into account that it would have to stop for gas every 1,500 KMs or so. Go figure.

At any rate, the soldiers did their duty in Afghanistan, may they rest in peace now.

Furthermore... According to CNN:

The plane, a Ukranian Yakolev-42, was operated by NATO's Maintenance and Supply Agency. (Full story)

The agency is typically involved in long-distance troop transport by nations involved in international peacekeeping missions, the Spanish Defense Ministry said in its statement.

It still makes very little sense to me.

Posted 23:54 by Paul
Whooohoooo!

I have achieved my highest ranking ever on the Ecosystem: 645 out of 2407.

This also means that I have been upgraded from a Crawly Amphibian to a Slithering Reptile.

It's another victory for democracy. :)

(Here's to hoping that it actually lasts.)

Posted 22:10 by Paul
Memorial Day

Ith has an excellent posting up dealing with the commercialisation of Memorial Day in the US. She makes an extremely pertinent point, so I suggest that you go read it.

On that note, I'd also like to say that I remain puzzled about the fact that Rememberance Day isn't a bank holiday in Canada (and throughout the Commonwealth). We're supposed to take time to remember those that fought for our (anf others') freedom every eleventh of November, yet we're all stuck at work. Furthermore, it would seem as though I'm the only one that remembers to keep a minute of silence at 1100 hours while I'm slaving away in front of my computer; it just seems to me that we should at least be given enough time off to be close to the Cenotaph at that time, so that we can pay our respects properly.

Of course, I have no high hopes of getting this place to change. I had to ream out some arseclown VP last year for having the temerity to call a meeting on November 11 at 1100 hours; some people have no respect for anything.

Futhermore... You should head on over to the Gaggle, where Ith has another excellent Memorial Day posting, the same thing goes for On the Third Hand, where MommaBear has some easy to follow advice for you.

Posted 17:11 by Paul
Ouch...

Britain sulks after Eurovision flop

LONDON (Reuters) - Britain is nursing its wounded pride after failing to score a single point at the Eurovision Song Contest for the first time ever...

Oh, that's got to hurt...

...with some commentators blaming a political backlash over the Iraq war.

But a former Eurovision winner said pop duo Jemini's nervous, off-key performance in the Latvian capital Riga on Saturday would not have won anyway.

Yeah, the off-key business might have a bit more to do with it...

And then... The Flea reports that Jemini member Gemma Abbey was bleating loudly about one of the (supposedly lesbian) girls in Russian group Tatu stalking her. Maybe she's attracted to off-key caterwauling.

Posted 16:45 by Paul
It's all falling into place...

Rice Quoted Saying U.S. to Ignore Schroeder

BERLIN (Reuters) - Condoleezza Rice was quoted in a German magazine Sunday saying the Bush administration was trying to patch up strained relations with Germany but would continue to ostracize Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder.

"We're now doing everything we can to improve relations to Germany at all levels," the unnamed German visitor quoted Rice as saying. "But we're going to work around the chancellor. It's better to leave him out."

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

"The Bush-Schroeder relationship will never be what it was and what it should be," Rice was quoted as saying in Focus.

Gerhard must be devastated.

She was also quoted as saying that Bush was aware of Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer's past as a street-fighter turned politician and doesn't believe he is suited to be a statesman.

It's about time someone in government spoke up about Joschka's past as a communist hoodlum.

France and Russia also opposed the war in Iraq and Rice has been widely quoted telling associates that resulting U.S. policy should be: "Punish France, ignore Germany and forgive Russia."

Hey, works for me.

Posted 01:49 by Paul
Juche-Songun Watch Addendum

I have just returned from a very long walk with the dog, and found that I have an e-mail from Bruce in which he raps me on the knuckles for having ignored one of the greatest stories of our time. To make up for that failing, here's a Juche-Songun moment courtesy of (and with comments by) Bruce Campbell:

Color pavements

Pyongyang, May 23 (KCNA) -- Footways in Pyongyang have been covered with color pavements. The pavement, developed by teachers and researchers of Pyongyang University of Construction and Building Materials Production, are made of a small amount of cement, natural pigments and cheap additions. But its strength is high.

Its beautiful color and luster remain unchanged for many years.

The pavement can be easily made everywhere because its production does not need any complicated technical processes.

It, making a great contribution to the face-lifting of the city, was highly evaluated at the 7th national exhibition of inventions and new technologies held last year.

Coloured pavements. A breakthrough for mankind. No wonder they lead the world in Juche Idea.

Furthermore... You might want to head on over to Bruce's place to find out that Dominique von Villepin, assmaster extraordinaire, has just come out with an eight hundred page book on poetry. I can only hope that, being a fellow product of France's educational system, I will one day have the pleasure of meeting him, and telling him that he's a pedantic little git.

Posted 23:31 by Paul
What I've been reading as of late...

I finally finished Slander by Ann Coulter a few days ago. It's definitely a riveting read, although I still have a serious beef with her position on abortion (sorry, I'm one of those people that believes that most people should be required to obtain breeding licences prior to reproducing); other than that, she raises a multitude of excellent points about media bias (I must admit that I was somewhat surprised by the pounding that Andrew Sullivan takes in the book, but I think that it was written prior to his crossing over to the Dark Side).

Anyway, I have now moved onto the other book that Sasha gave me: Cod, a Biography of the Fish that changed the World by Mark Kurlansky.

Taking into account my utter contempt for most fish, and the long-standing feud between the Jané clan and cod (the feud goes back for generations; you'll be very hard-pressed to find any male in my family that can deal with cod), I honestly went in with rather low expectations (so much so, that I arched my left eyebrow so forcefully upon seeing the book that it might have flown off my forehead), but it is proving to be a fascinating read. Here are a few things that I've learned so far (and I'm only on Chapter 4):

- Whale is red meat; quite frankly, I never would have guessed. This also means that I'm going to have to get around to trying whale. It's high time I took my parents' friends in Iceland up on their invitation, nuts to Brigitte Bardot.

- In England, [Hanseatic] league members were called Easterlings because they came from the east, and their good reputation is reflected in the word sterling, which comes from Easterling and means "of assured value". Not in a million years would I have guessed that.

- Icelanders used to eat the [cod] milt, the sperm, in whey. The Japanese still eat cod milt. On second thoughts, maybe I should continue to avoid Iceland...

At any rate, I will keep you updated on any other oddball discoveries.

And then... Nick Packwood has tracked down a picture of whale steak. It looks a tad undercooked for my taste, but it definitely seems to have potential.

Posted 17:40 by Paul
Todos quieren Taco Bell...

From Doug Camilli's column in today's Montreal Gazette:

Yet another reason not to go into politics: Staffers in the district office of U.S. Representative Elton Gallegly, in the town of Solvang, Calif., were minding their own business the other day when the door opened and in walked a slim man wearing a Spider-Man mask. The guy demanded to know why the town didn't have a Taco Bell, because he just loves Taco Bell, and his kid was waiting in the car, hungry, and where was the nearest Taco Bell, etc., etc. Then the guy takes off the mask, and under there is Michael Jackson, whose Neverland ranch is not so far away. He signed some autographs, got directions to the nearest Taco Bell, hopped back in his black Bentley, and drove away with his son Prince Michael.

Nuttier by the day...

Then again, the less said about anyone that drives off to Taco Bell in a Bentley, the better.

Posted 17:12 by Paul
O...................K.............

Celts claim to be oppressed by Ireland and its alcohol

UNITED NATIONS - Indigenous leaders from around the world were left scratching their heads yesterday after the UN included Celts from Ireland in a conference aimed at promoting native rights.

Though Celtic blood flows in the veins of the vast majority of Ireland's citizens, activists from an Irish group called Retrieve Foundation took the podium to say that Celts, as an "oppressed people," should be acknowledged under the UN's Indigenous Charter.

In particular, the group says drugs and alcohol were used to keep the Celts down.

Come on, let's not forget about the potatoes...

Posted 16:20 by Paul
Good reading...

Just as an aside, the National Post has the second part of that article on serial killer Clifford Olson up today, I suggest that you go take a look, it's interesting in a disturbing sort of way.

For other interesting, in a weird and disturbing way, reading, I strongly recommend that all you other Juche-Songun-ophiles read this long article about an American's trip to the DPRK that Jay Solo suggested to me (by the way, thanks Jay). It's fascinating.

Oh, Jay also has a full recap of last night's Gaggle Chat; I had no idea that he was taking minutes. While I'm talking about that, I'd also like to call a Fatwa on Ith for buggering off in mid-chat and not coming back (tsk, like sleep is a decent excuse). May Allah and his Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon Him, find time in their busy schedules to rain down TP on her abode. (So, if I have any readers from California, please go over and TP Ith's house, so that I can avoid having to do so myself.)

That is all, for now.

Paul

Posted 14:42 by Paul
Mmmmmm, delicious Schadenfreude...

Book Offers Scarce for Disgraced NY Times Reporter

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Where is the literary feeding frenzy? Book publishers have yet to besiege Jayson Blair with the million-dollar offers his agent predicted after the ex-reporter's plagiarized and falsified stories bloodied the New York Times.

One publisher said she wouldn't touch Blair's story with a 10-foot pole. Another said she'd be a sucker to pay $1 million for a book by Blair.

Bwahahahahaha! That'll teach the snotty little bastard.

"Not from me!" said Judith Regan, when asked if she was about to enter the bidding war for a Blair tome. "There's a sucker born every minute!"

The owner of Regan Books, which just published Michael Moore's "Stupid White Men...and Other Sorry Excuses For The State of the Nation," added. "Of course, it would depend on what he does, he obviously knows how to write fiction, but he doesn't have a lot of credibility."

It's odd, though, you'd think that Judith's experience publishing fiction would encourage her...

Go read.

Posted 00:50 by Paul
HEH.

From Mike Bullard's monologue on tonight's Mike Bullard show:

Ruben from American Idol is recording his new album,“Flying without Wings”; apparently, the title is because he refuses to pay for two seats on the plane.

Well, it makes me laugh, OK?

Posted 00:46 by Paul
I just can't help it, but it's time for...

Kim Jong Il-Juche-Songun Watch

All the DPRK news that's fit to be shared with a wider audience.

Seminar on Kim Jong Il's Songun leadership held in Democratic Congo

It was noted that Kim Jong Il realized the complete unity of the party and the army and pursued the Songun Policy, a unique political mode and great achievements were made in socialist construction and increase of the defence capability of the DPRK under his wise Songun leadership.

Participants appreciated Korean film "'The Invincible Workers' Party Of Korea', the mass gymnastic and artistic performance in the celebration of the 55th anniversary of the Workers' Party of Korea."

You would honestly think that, having a whole bunch of lunatics in a different part of the country wandering around wearing their enemy's intestines on their heads to ward off evil spirits, they'd have more important things to worry about in the DRC, but I digress.

New achievements in cultivating and propagating Kimilsungia

Pyongyang, May 22 (KCNA) -- Scientists at the branch of biology under the Academy of Sciences made clear scientific and technical matters in cultivating and propagating Kimilsungia, an immortal flower. They completed the method of rapidly cultivating the flower with natural extract usual in Korea. Thus the flowering period was reduced to a year and sixth mouths from three or four years.

As soon as the Academy of Sciences achieves a true break-through, and makes it edible, I'll let you know.

They verified that the flower may bloom on those trunks from which flower once bloomed with the help of a new blooming method by growing control substance.

The temptation to send these morons a Thesaurus is beginning to get to me.

Among their achievements is a method of growing the flower at home and working places.

Yes, that is quite the achievement, growing flowers indoors and all that...

May Day Stadium

Pyongyang, May 22 (KCNA) -- The May Day Stadium stands on Rungna islet in the River Taedong, which runs through Pyongyang. It, which well blends with the surrounding scenic beauty, presents a beautiful view reminiscent of a landing parachute.

Yes, I can't help but think of beauty when I come across images of landing parachutes.

The 150,000-seat stadium covers more than 400,000 square meters and its total floor space is over 207,000 square meters.

On the ground there are a football field covered with turf, 400-meter-running tracks with rubber, a basketball court and a volleyball court.

Its silver-white roof protrudes 60 meters inward.

The eight-storied stadium building has training rooms, a swimming pool, rooms for recovery from fatigue, welfare service facilities for spectators, a telex room, a press room, conference rooms, etc.

Heh, a Telex room, I can't even recall the last time I heard anyone brag about a Telex.

There is an underground parking plot with a capacity of more than 300 cars.

Wow, so it's big enough to hold all the cars in the Pyongyang area?

Rodong Sinmun on Songun revolutionary line

Pyongyang, May 22 (KCNA) -- The Songun revolutionary line of the Workers' Party of Korea is a scientific revolutionary line correctly reflecting the requirements of the era and the revolution, says Rodong Sinmun today in a signed article.

Its scientific revolutionary quality has been assured by the July 18 Juche Institute & Tractor Factory.

It goes on:

You'd honestly think that these people get enough of a steady diet of Songun as it is, but anyway.

The Songun revolutionary line is the army-first line on considering military affair as the first state affair and placing the strengthening of national defence power above all other work and the revolutionary strategy and tactics on putting forward the army as the main force of the revolution and pushing ahead with the socialist cause as a whole in reliance on its hardcore role.

Songun is hardcore, and don't you forget it.

The line is based on a scientific analysis of the circumstances facing the Korean revolution, the essence of rapidly changing situation and strategic and tactical methodology.

The present times witness the do-or-die struggle between socialism and imperialism and between the independent forces and the dominationist forces.

And we all know how well Socialism has been fairing...

It is a prerequisite for the victory of the anti-imperialist cause of independence to put military affairs ahead of all other work and cement the military power of the country in every way.

Right, as soon as you figure out how to pay for that, and food, give me a call.

Peace, socialism and the happy life of the people are guaranteed by arms.

Well, I'll agree with that, except for the Socialism bit.

Any class, strata and social collective can never substitute for the position, role, revolutionary spirit and combat power of the army.

Let's not get too carried away.

The Songun idea, the Songun revolutionary line, is an invincible treasured sword for accomplishing the cause of independence, which represents the unusual ideological and theoretical wisdom and heroic revolutionary practice of Kim Jong Il, and it is a great banner for victory of the human cause of independence.

Uhhhhhh, quite...

University of Post and Telecommunications appears

Pyongyang, May 23 (KCNA) -- A University of Post and Telecommunications appeared in the DPRK this year on the occasion of a new school year.

Scientists are baffled.